Punishment For Gluttony?

It’s my Husband’s 45th Birthday today! 💗

I’m treating him to a nice late lunch outside of where we live, at a cool little Restaurant we’ve both wanted to try for awhile.

I’ve barely eaten today, due to my lack of willpower last night, mindlessly inhaling an ENTIRE large bag of stupid Red Vines Licorice while watching a Movie!

I can NEVER just eat a few.

I don’t even think I ate much yesterday.

BUT.

It doesn’t matter.

It was still TOO much.

It will always be too much.

Nothing, would be better.

Emptiness.

Like a stale soda, defizzed.

Besides, to ruin the satisfaction of feeling my insides gnaw inwards, was a mistake.

A huge mistake.

A moment of weakness.

And now I have to pay for it.

Yes, as stupid as it may seem, MY “punishment” to myself is to purposely keep myself in a caloric deficit.

Sliding heavily but eagerly into the Booth, my eyes begin to devour the Menu.

Feeling anxious.

Wow, I REALLY want to order a HUGE Burger, with Goat Cheese, and Pesto, and Avocado.

Oh, and Bacon.

Yessss, Bacon.

Yes, please!

And Sweet Potato Fries.

And then I see the Salads.

ED-voice is forcing me to only have selective hearing, so I zone in.

Mmm…

Ok, a Wedge Salad.

Light on the Dressing.

Better make that on the side, please.

No Bacon.

And no Blue Cheese, either.

Oh, and a Diet Coke!

My stomach growls.

I am really nauseous.

Ick.

Siiiigh.

Did I really come here to order a measley Salad?

On my Hubby’s Birthday?

Do I dare ruin his Dinner?

No.

I can’t.

The nice juicy Burger won.

YUM.

Minimal eating for ME this week, I guess.

No guessing, silly girl.

You KNOW damn well you will now have to be extremely disciplined.

Nothing new.

It’s the price you have to pay.

BUT it IS worth eating WITH my Husband, rather than him watching me move the food around on my plate…

Cutting it into squares.

Squares again.

Tiny bites.

Rolling his eyes.

Eyeing up the tiny pieces of Burger I’d managed to eat, and then hiding some under my lettuce, boxing the second half….

Which is exactly what I did.

BUT I saved room for Dessert!

And Coffee.

There is ALWAYS room for Coffee.

Besides, I need the energy.

Decadent Flourless Chocolate Cake.

Hell, yes.

Fudge, is more like it.

Ug.

It’s like eating 5 or 6 Candy bars all at once.

My stomach is literally churning.

Somedays I think I enjoy the game of “Cat-and-Mouse”, that I haphazardly play with myself.

Control.

Weakness.

Regret.

Anger.

Fear.

Apparently I AM a true glutton for my own punishment.

AND the wheel keeps turning…..