Yesterday was my Rapist’s Birthday.

I will always remember it,

No matter how hard I try.

His is the week before mine.

And for that one week,

We are exactly the same age.

It’s a day that I always know is coming.

Sometimes it sneaks up on me, but the panic and dread is always the same.

I wonder what he’s doing on his 43rd Birthday?

Is he happy?

Is he miserable with his life choices?

Always blaming others and wanting more?

I’d like to wish him years of unhappiness,

Lord knows he has caused me enough in this lifetime.

But I honestly don’t.

I don’t know why?

Maybe I am FINALLY experiencing some Spiritual Freedom-

From the prison my mind has locked me into for so long?

I can’t help but wonder…

In MY opinion,

Eating Disorders are a Parasite.

They ARE.

Quite literally.

DEFINITION:

“An organism that lives in or on an organism of another species (its host) and benefits by deriving nutrients at the other’s expense.”

Tell me it’s NOT true.

Not just Physically,

But Mentally.

And unless you rid yourself entirely,

It will literally kill you from the inside out!

An open letter to the Christian “bad girl”:

Dear Christian “bad girl”,

I see you. I know you. I am one of you. I’m also a Jesus-loving “bad girl”. I’ve done things many Christians would cringe at the thought of. I know the awkwardness you feel when you are around certain “church people”. It’s not that you don’t like them, or don’t want to be their friend, but somewhere in your mind you wonder what they’d think of you if they really knew you, and knew the path you’ve walked.

Maybe you’ve even been hesitant to get involved in a church, or really get to know people there. I know I have.

It’s interesting because the people I’ve met who truly know Jesus are usually very loving and accepting, yet there were times I was still reluctant to connect with them. Sometimes I still feel like I need to put up a facade around them. Maybe you feel this way, too?

You wonder what they would say if they knew your past, especially the dark parts. You wonder how wide their eyes would be if they knew how much your mouth resembled that of a sailor, or how much wine you drink… on week nights. Or how you think inappropriate jokes are hilarious. You try to imagine their response if you were vulnerable enough to share the thoughts that go through your mind. You wonder if they would question if you really love Jesus.

I’ve been there too.

But you do really love Jesus. So do I. Yet, I have committed just about every sin in the book. I haven’t murdered anyone, but besides that, yep, I’ve done it. And I’ve hurt myself and a lot of other people along the way. But I DO still really love him. Maybe you can relate?

Here is the thing I’ve come to learn: Jesus loves us bad girls. He loves the heck out of us.

And He doesn’t want us to hide either.. even the parts of us that are scary to share. It’s through our testimonies, through these hard times, that His goodness is seen. Your failures, your sin, they don’t change whether or not you have a purpose or if he can use you . He can, period.

We might have taken a rockier road than some. We may have made a few (or a ton) more mistakes than some, but no one is perfect, right?

I think if Jesus were here right now he would give us a giant hug and say how happy He is to have us. He’d say we always have a place at the table with him, and that’s exactly where He wants us. No lecture, no shaming, just love. So, so much love.

Because to Him we aren’t bad girls at all, we are simply His beloved daughters.

So just know, the next time you question if you even belong in the church, or in a Christian community, or if you really could be open about your past without receiving condemnation, the answer is absolutely.

People who know the heart of Jesus and live it out will be there to extend that love and grace to you, no matter what you’ve done.

So come as you are, rebel heart and all.

-Kelli Bachara, The Unraveling

THIS.

ALL of this!

I am so far into Recovery, that every single one of these sentences ring true for me.

And it should for you, too!

Our body is our own, and if WE can accept her own body, sometimes you will have to FORCE it on to others…

What do I mean by that?

That WE, as Womem, have to break other people’s perceptions on what a body should TRULY look like!

Who decided that having a soft belly roll was, and is, wrong?

Gross, or unworthy?

And WHO decided that it was okay to comment on someone else’s body?!

We’ve been taught that by Society, but it’s something that is NOT true!

I’m at a point right now, that I’m angry…

Not so much angry that I had an Eating Disorder,

But angry at the fact that I’m supposed to believe that because I weigh more, my personal worth doesn’t mean anything!

Assumptions from other people based on how I LOOK, should not be able to make me or break me…

You know what ASSuming does, right?

It makes an ASS out of you, and of me.

More out of YOU, than me, IF I do say so MYSELF!

I’ve promised myself, to never, ever, Diet AGAIN!

Yes, it’s TRUE.

I honestly DON’T care that I’ve gained more weight in the last year after leaving Treatment,

Then I ever have before.

Do you know what I do?

I buy bigger Jeans!

I buy bigger Leggings…

And I buy bigger Shirts!

I won’t lie, at first it felt very foreign, and demoralizing.

I beat myself up about it, and then I asked myself, WHY?!?

Why should I care that I have to buy a bigger item of clothing?

WHO said that is my Jean size CAN’T be over single digits!?

That I shouldn’t be wearing a size XL shirt??

I mean, REALLY!?!

And why should I PERSONALLY care that someone else CARES, that it’s TOO “large” for their liking?!

Fuck THEM.

Yes, I said it-

FUCK them.

Not only is that idea ridiculous,

It’s ALMOST racist in it’s self!

Do you know WHY I don’t mind that I have a big fleshy roll around my middle?

That I’m the largest jean size I’ve ever been?

That I am QUITE aware that I DEMAND more room when I sit or stand!?

Because MENTALLY, I feel the BEST that I ever have!

I have strength.

I have happiness.

And I have a peace, that I’ve never had before!?!

Yes, PEACE.

There is no WAR raging in my mind about what I CAN or CAN’T eat.

There is no nasty Bitch standing in the mirror, ridiculing every single part of my body!

There’s no demeaning voice, drowning out my sanity when I’m around food!

Do you know WHO stands here NOW?

A Warrior.

A strong AF,

WARRIOR.

Why do I call myself that?

Because I’ve FOUGHT on BOTH sides of that Battle,

And I KNOW which side I’m STAYING on.

My WORTH doesn’t come from anyone else.

Including myself!

For ME?

It comes from my Heavenly Father.

I KNOW that what HE sees!

And WANTS to see.

And guess what!?

It certainly ISN’T my Clothing size!

It’s my HEART.

And nothing more!

💗

That is all….

What’s your motivation to get out of bed in the morning’s?

Coffee?

Cigarettes?

Work?

All three??

There are some days that I would love to just crawl back into bed!

Especially on days like this, where there is a nice snowfall happening outside my window.

I wish I could call in sick….

That doesn’t happen when you run your own business, for the most part…

Dogs need to be let out,

Bills need to be paid,

Sanity needs to be met.

I for one,

Am a person who needs to stay busy…

ALL the time.

But it would be nice to be able to crawl back into bed,

Especially when I’m having a season of anxiety.

Depression….

Or,

Just an emotionally hard day.

Sometimes,

I think it is okay to play hooky from responsibilities!

I don’t do it often, but when I DO,

I typically stay in bed all day.

Numbing my brain out with television shows…

Eating Cookies,

Leaving an incriminating trail of crumbs in the bed sheets.

Finding motivation is difficult at times!

There are days where I find it easier then not…

I used to HATE this time of year.

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE,

Starts out their New Year on a “Diet”.

How do I know this?

Because I used to BE one of those people!

It took me a LONG time to NOT start every New Year with the Resolution of going on a Diet.

Looking back at ALL my Journals from H.S., included that as my #1 goal.

I was ALWAYS trying to lose weight.

I’d spend my Holiday stuffing my face, only to be so disgusted with myself,

That I’d set up strict guidelines on WHAT to eat, and HOW to exercise.

Just to shrink myself into someone I THOUGHT I should be.

The first few months would go great,

And then I’d crash and burn, due to my own high expectations.

I’d view myself as a Failure,

Because burnout IS a real thing.

I’ve literally tried EVERY Diet out there.

Remember eating nothing but Cabbage Soup?

ALL DAY, EVERY DAY?

I had the WORST gas EVER, and was SO bloated!

Gross.

Eating ONLY Apple’s?

Rice and Veggie’s?

JUST Hard-Boiled Eggs?

Carrot’s?

What a nice orange “Tan” you get, when you’re eating a few bags a day….

Atkin’s?

THAT may have accounted to my Heart Attack a few years ago….

Why??

Because that “Diet” is SO high in Saturated Fat, that it will try to literally KILL you!

Eating Cheese, Meat, Nuts, etc., at such a high volume, is NOT good!

Lol, STILL think that Keto diet is good for you??

MOST of those so-called Diet’s left me CRAVING all of the Foods I had labeled “off-limits”, and set me up for some hard-core Binging.

And then I discovered Bulimia.

I was in 7th grade.

I remember walking into the bathroom after lunch at Gymnastics Camp that Summer, and was greeted by the sound if retching….

And then a sly smile from the girl who unbeknownst to her, had just taught me her little “trick” as she wiped her mouth, sauntering by me back into the gym.

What a GREAT way to eat “clean” all week, or as long as I could possibly stand it, and then just….

Get “rid” of it.

I used that party trick for over 30 years after that.

And its tried to ruin my life.

Too bad I didn’t realize that at the time.

Over those 30 years,

I lost Friends, but MORE than anything, I lost MYSELF.

I developed such an extreme case of Acid Reflux, that I had, and still have to take 2-3 Prilosec a day.

I have a ton of scarring on my fingers, throat, and stomach lining…

And I’ve lost quite a few of my Teeth.

What a Glamorous incentive to lose weight, now that you know some of the drawbacks.

And let’s NOT forget about the amazing promise of leanness from Diet Pills….

I started to use them a lot.

That was the Summer before 8th Grade.

I remember getting busted by my Sister who found them in my jacket after Church one afternoon, when they fell out.

So I started sneaking them….

Ordering them out of the back of Magazine’s that I found at the Library.

And racing home to get the Mail, so that my Parents wouldn’t find them first.

Laxatives were also added into my diet repertoire.

After overdosing on quite a few boxes while in Beauty School,

And suffering the most intense stomach aches for MONTHS after,

I dumped them into the trash, and NEVER used them again.

I’d have to get up 2-3 HOURS before School started just to white-knuckle my way through the hysteria of the worst stomach pain I’d ever experienced in my entire life!

I should have gone to the Emergency Room, but I didn’t.

I was mortified that someone would find out what I’d been doing,

And I just couldn’t face that.

I remember calling a Friend’s Mom from Church who was a Nurse, and sobbing into the phone on some of those horrible morning’s.

I’m kind of shocked and disappointed NOW,

That she didn’t do more to help.

Or try to STOP the insanity that I called my Life at that time.

She KNEW what I was doing to myself, and NEVER once tried to stop me.

The last time I spoke to her, she spat out some cruel words, about getting what I deserved, no lie, and I vowed NEVER to call her again.

She DID come to see me in the Hospital after a Suicide attempt a year later,

But got up and walked out, when I refused to talk about WHY I was there,

After calling her and ASKING that she’d come see me in the Hospital.

I think I just needed someone to care.

About ME.

But, I was terrified that it would just alllll just come spilling out.

I really wanted her to hug me.

Tell me that everything was going to be all right.

My own Mom couldn’t even do that for me, and I needed it SO badly.

Nope.

She and her Husband, who were my Youth Group Leader’s at Church just a few years before,

Got up and walked out.

I never spoke to them again.

I was SO hurt and embarrassed.

I STILL AM.

It took me a long time to swallow that shame.

The allure of Anorexia had always enticed me.

It caught me in it’s web of deceit,

Luring me in,

Smothering me.

And then I met my Husband.

I healed.

Ate.

Gained some “marriage” weight.

I hated it, but I was also happy that I wasn’t consumed by dieting.

Until I realized that I couldn’t bend over to tie my shoes.

So I joined a Gym.

Started lifting weights….

I was hooked.

I decided to try Competing in Bodybuilding.

I had NO idea just how MUCH starvation I’d have to endure,

Or how many HOURS of doing Cardio, 2 x day, or MORE,

Just to be “lean enough” to be in the same league as the other Women, I was competing against.

SO stupid.

It wrecked my Body,

And my Mind.

It took me 10 YEARS after my last Show, to NOT journal my Food.

To NOT be consumed with the distaste of how my body looked.

I was always comparing the body that I was actually living IN,

To the body I was stepping on Stage WITH.

It never occurred to me that the 2 were COMPLETELY different.

That there was NO way I could STAY that lean without torturing myself.

And I did.

For YEARS.

And then?

Right when I thought I was FINALLY living a life free of self-hatred for the way I looked….

I had a horrible relapse of Anorexia last year.

I stopped eating any solid food…

And was literally relying on Baby Food packets to get me through the day.

I got sucked into a very dangerous downward spiral of self-loathing.

And landed in Treatment for a few months.

NOT fun.

Being forced to eat,

Having to have a Nurse unlock stand outside, and then “check” the toilet in the Bathroom pretty much after every meal?

Demoralizing.

And I did it to MYSELF.

But, NOT this year!

I REFUSE to spend ANY more precious time obsessing over something so trivial!

LAST year I was in Recovery,

And I learned a LOT about myself.

Who I AM,

And who I want to BE.

Please,

DON’T get sucked into how this evil Society THINKS you should be….

Or LOOK like!

Just be YOU….

The Marvelous,

Brave,

And Inspiring,

YOU.

Be authentic.

Determined.

And Hopeful!

Free your mind of CAN’T.

You CAN!

Let your Soul feel ALIVE!

And REMEMBER:

“DIE”ts aren’t worth it!

There IS a reason the word DIE is in “Diets”-

It WILL kill you.

Let THIS year be the year that you tell Society AND the Media,

To SUCK it!

You are PERFECT just the way you already are!

I want/wanted to Restrict my food intake today…

Christmas was filled with TOO many homemade Caramels and Cookies.

I’m feeling very self-conscious about my Body.

My perspective on Body-Image is warbled.

Being around my Mother over the Holiday’s did NOT, and IS not, beneficial to my Eating Disorder Recovery.

I am disappointed,

That I can give her that Power of Criticism.

Depression set in-

I found myself spending MORE time with my Family’s Dogs, Cats, and Chickens.

NO judgement….

Silence,

Unconditional Love.

Wow.

It’s been 1 YEAR already since I left Rodger’s for my Eating Disorder.

1 YEAR into a pretty solid Recovery.

The first 3-6 Months home were a bit rocky.

I ditched the idea of a Meal Plan after a few months,

And found myself thrown into something called “Intuitive Eating”.

Once I let myself HAVE the foods that I’d been craving or were AFRAID of,

I started eating what my body was, and IS, asking for.

Sometimes it’s Fruit and Veggies.

Other times it’s a Burger and Fries.

Yes, Doughnuts and cupcakes, and Chocolate were, and are, in there, too.

Have I gained weight?

Yes,

I am FULLY weight restored.

Does it, and did it, frighten me?

Absolutely.

Am I pissed that some of my FAVORITE Jean’s, T-shirts, and Bras DON’T fit anymore?

Yes.

Have I cried over the new fat-rolls I’ve acquired?

The fleshy belly,

The thicker thighs?

The reflection that I see IN the Mirror?

God, YES!

Have I considered starting to Restrict and give myself stern and Ritualistic Food Rules?

Yep.

Have I made myself throw-up after the sinking feeling of defeatful guilt after a Binge?

For SURE.

I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t.

BUT.

For every FALL,

I’ve gotten back UP!

Every day IS a new day.

Every Hour, sometimes, is the only WAY I’ve stayed IN active Recovery.

And that’s OK.

It IS.

No matter WHAT my Brain SAYS,

OR what my Eyes SEE on my Instagram Feed and Stories.

Facebook included.

When comparing and stressing about OTHER People’s Journey,

I HAVE to remind myself of my OWN.

Everybody and every BODY is different.

Every one of us struggling with the past of an Angry Eating Disorder,

Is at risk for failing.

And we WILL.

And again, it’s OK.

What ISN’T ok,

Is slipping and backsliding into OLD Habits,

And USING Eating Disorder Behaviors.

OR, in MY case,

That also includes “using”.

By the way,

I am PROUD to say that it’s been over 90 days,

That I’ve stayed sober.

And I feel good.

REALLY good!

I never thought that after 25 years,

I could say that.

But I CAN.

And it feels AWESOME!

Do I still have cravings?

Do I MISS my “Old” smoking Friends?

Yes.

But then,

I remember,

And REMIND myself of WHAT life WAS like.

Chaotic.

Stressful.

Isolated.

Depressed.

No, thank you.

I actually ENJOY being clear-headed,

Mindful,

Hopeful.

Yes, please!

YOGA has been AMAZING for me.

Being able to BREATHE, STRETCH and be PRESENT?

Being able to RELAX,

And TAKE the TIME for ME?

Priceless.

Straight up.

I’ve ALSO discovered CBD OIL.

It’s been a GAME CHANGER for me!

Less Pain.

Anxiety,

Anger.

Depression.

MAJOR decrease!

Do I still use MORE than one anti-depressant on a daily basis?

For sure.

Anxiety Meds?

Check.

Do I FEEL Medicated?

No.

Do I FEEL less pressure to be Perfect?

Social?

Likeable?

Acceptable?

Thin?

YASSSSS.

I am grateful,

EXTREMELY grateful,

To KNOW that I CAN’T ever go running back to my Eating Disorder.

I want to fist bump MYSELF.

For REAL.

I am LEARNING to TRUST my Body.

LOVE my Body…..

Smaller OR Larger.

Accepting that to MAINTAIN the level of discipline to BE small,

Means an UNHAPPIER me.

A HANGRIER me,

And a more SPITEFUL me.

I shall pass on that empty plate of Misery.

Why?

Because…

I am Happy.

Hopeful.

And Joyful,

Being IN Recovery.

And I want to STAY that way.

You should, too!

I think that’s when Life TRULY begins.

Living unbridled of ALL the Self-loathing,

And ANXIETY?

THAT’S when you have the freedom to just BE.

Embracung the YOU that’s been HIDING.

Closed OFF to everyone….

Yourself included.

Throwing AWAY the Mentality of feeling like a Victim,

And taking CHARGE of your OWN Soul.

Which by the way,

Isn’t just your Heart,

It’s your MIND!

The one who has sneakily been clouding and impairing your ABILITY to FEEL,

And THINK for yourself.

The same Mind that felt, and sometimes FEELS like,

It’s been split right down the middle…..

Only letting a small percentage of People INTO your space….

Allowing Them to see the TRUE,

And unique YOU.

Being REAL?

For ME?

Is right up there with Integrity.

Honesty,

And Empathy.

No more FAKING.

Let’s actually LET ourselves BE the Person we’ve always WANTED to be.

Every DREAM?

It’s YOURS for the TAKING.

The sky REALLY is the Limit!

And the ONLY Limitations we put on ourselves?

THAT my Friend,

Is fear.

FEAR.

F.E.A.R.

There is NO TRUTH in that.

None.

Leave it behind,

Marching FORWARD,

Into a NEW Life.

And a new YOU.