Underlying Issues Vs. Presenting Issues

After conversing with my Pastor this morning, about some seriously troubling feelings and thoughts I’ve been struggling with, he suggested that I try to pinpoint some of these issues.What are the underlying reasons that are forcing me to deal with the presenting issues?Right here, right now.My past is spotty.I am a product of Adoption.My Birth Mother was a Drug Addict.A prostitute.In jail.Adopted.Used.Abused.And then discarded.Carelessly tossed away.Like trash.Obviously I have feelings of abandonment and attachment.Shame.Guilt.Rejection.Resentment.Anger.A LOT of anger.BURNING anger.Suffocating anger.Towards others, but mostly at myself.Why didn’t I fight harder?Scream louder?Hurt HIM like he hurt ME?Make him pay.I used to dream about killing him.I did.I can’t lie.I slept with one eye open.One hand ready to flail.Punch, hit, bruise, or break.My strength didn’t match his.I refused to admit defeat.Refuse to admit that he broke me.Shattered into a 1,000 pieces.Jagged shards glistening.My brokenness delighted him.He liked having the upper hand.He was King.I was his pawn.The Queen of the Castle?Beheaded.His Jester sneered insults.Thrown to the Lions.Losing the battle before it even began.Bloody lip, broken buttons rolling across the hardwood floor.I noticed a broken nail.I gleefully hoped it was inbedded in his skin somewhere.I am worthless.Hopeless.Ashamed.Wasted years searching for my own validation.Visibility.Worthiness.Then I met a girl named Ana.She promised individuality.Perfection.Uniqueness.I just had to give her everything I owned in return.Done.Safety.Trust.Understanding.Then she introduced me to her even better friend.Bulimia.And then her cousin.Drugs.Always promising a better outcome than the last.A journey of chasing after feelings of inadequacy.A trade off.Trail blazing.Literally.Anywhere but here.And anyone but me.Jagged breathing.Hunted.A false sense of security.What even IS that?The presenting issues of my past, plague my future.Blocking the sun.Leaving no sign of life anywhere.Trampled.Forgotten.Gone.