DISAPPOINTMENT

THIS is the story of my life, quite honestly.Even when I was a small Child, I ALWAYS saw the same stupid note on my Report Cards, no lie-“A pleasure to have in class, but does not work up to her full potential!”Disappointment.Damn.What do YOU think I always thought when I read those comments in bold red ink?You’re not good enough.You’re not trying hard enough.You’re dumb.You’re lazy.You’re stupid.You’re a failure.I think I’ve always carried that throughout the years.Why?Because even until I got OUT of High School, I ALWAYS read that SAME comment.You know what’s odd?I ACED Cosmetology College!Like, A’s and B’s.WITHOUT really trying?!Trust me, I was just as surprised as my Parents were.My Parents, thankfully, accepted the fact that I was NOT gonna be a Scholar like my older Sister, and encouraged me to blossom with my own talents.I am extremely grateful for that!They NEVER pushed me to go to a 4-year College, because they KNEW school was really hard for me.School was definitely NOT my thang!Or WAS it?In Middle School AND High-School, my grades were…. mmm, shall we say, acceptable?And unacceptable to my Parents at times, too, I’m sure.I was a C’s, D’d, and the occasional F’s, “kind-of-kid”.I don’t know if it WAS, because I never really applied myself.I KNOW I DEFINITELY had ADHD.And PTSD.There was a 5/6 year span of my time in my School years, starting in Middle School and finally ending when I graduated from High-School, that I was enduring horrible abuse at home.Physically, mentally, and emotionally.I was a shell of the person I thought I once was.Suicide attempts.Then, I met “ED”.What an amazing outlet.There is something very calming about “purging”, even IF at the time, it is a harsh, violent, and discusting habit.I can’t explain it.I’d like to chalk up my bad grades and short attention span to PTSD.I just didn’t realize it at the time.I was in:Denial.Shame.Helplessness.Hopelessness.My life HAD to continue on like normal.Whatever “normal” is.So, the inexcusable and harrowing “trauma” I was experiencing, got stuffed down.Hidden.Kept secret.Deleted.Normalcy was craved.But, chaos ensued.UNTIL I graduated from High School.The freedom I experienced came with a price, though.My Eating Disorder became an inner Demon that devoured my peace of mind, body, and soul.I had the opportunity of NOT having to eat meals with my Parents….or anyone for that matter.My time was spent going to School, working at IHOP (I absolutely loved that job! Good money, but also encouraged my Eating Disorder by enticing me with FREE food! A Bulimic’s jack-pot!), Running for hours on end, and doubling up on Cardio Classes at the nearby Health Club.AND frivilously spending every penny I owned on food so that I could binge and purge.At the time I was living behind Woodman’s West in Madison.NOT ideal when you have Bulimia, but the store also became my solace.I would spend my ENTIRE paychecks and tip money.And when THAT money was spent, I’d bounce checks.Horrible, I know.When THAT got out of control, I’d go and pretend to be grocery shopping, filling my cart with useless things, while I binged on forbidden stolen foods.Pathetic.I religiously hovered in their bulk-food isle, cramming my mouth full of granola, nuts, dried fruit, and candies.I’m surprised I never got caught.Can you image getting ARRESTED for stealing food?I mean, seriously, I did it for MONTHS!?It only STOPPED because I eventually moved downtown.THAT is another story for another time……How embarrassing.TRY explaining THAT to a Police Officer!ANYWAY-Sorry for going off on a tangent.Disappointment.I STILL feel like this.To myself and everyone else.Like I’m NOT working up to my “full potential”.How do you break away from that??I’m tired of feeling like I can’t ever NOT disappoint people.Perhaps THIS is WHY I Pet-Sit!?Animals don’t get disappointed.They are just happy to see you.To love you.Unconditionally.NO disappointment there, am I right??DOG spells GOD backwards.I am entertaining THAT idea!💗🐾💗🐾