I can’t tell a lie.
I restricted yesterday.
A lot.
A Coffee.
A Halo.
A Yogurt.
ANOTHER Coffee.
An Apple.
Yoga.
Dinner with my Husband.
I wasn’t going to eat, but as you can probably imagine, I was H.A.N.G.R.Y.
And when you DON’T want to EAT with the Husband, it looks a little weird.
And then he gets mad.
Besides,
RECOVERY
IS.THE.GOAL.
Right??
We had Stir-fried Broccoli with Garlic.
My FAVE.
And grilled Apple and Turkey Sausages.
YUM.
My scarce meal took a turn for the worse.
I had originally only planned on having 1 Sausage.
Because all I REALLY wanted, was JUST Broccoli…
Buuuut,
It quickly turned.
I was STARVING.
And my Body just took over.
A “Binge”.
Yes, I’d consider it a “BINGE”.
Why?
Because as someone who is still struggling to actually eat SOLID food, I ate MORE than I wanted to.
Hence,
3 Sausages.
A HUGE Bowl of Broccoli.
I was SO full!?
Like, distended BELLY,
FULL.
I stood up, lifted up my shirt, and MADE my Husband LOOK at my Food-Baby.
He shrugged.
And I thought,
THIS is PROBABLY considered a “normal” meal for someone!?
Okay.
Breathe, this feeling WILL pass.
You got this gurrrrl.
UGGG.
Not fast enough.
I try to distract myself with a Movie on Netflix.
Ug.
It’s NOT passing.
My Brain is in overdrive.
HOW.CAN.I.GET.RID.OF.THIS
I hate this feeling!
Because NO matter WHAT I say or do, the URGE is there.
Slowly seeping outward like a discusting slick black oil.
As gross as I felt, I was craving something SWEET!?
SO, I tried telling myself that THIS is GOOD!?
I can do this.
I’m “Challenging” myself!
Even though I FEEL full, I’m STILL hungry!?
I nonchalantly saunter over to my “Naughty” Cupboard.
Scrounging around, I find a King-Size Kit Kat Bar.
Yessss.
And some leftover Chocolate Eggs from Easter.
OK, the SALE after Easter, so that I could stock up!
Thanks for calling me out…
Besides, WHO doesn’t LOVE a good Candy Sale, okay!?
Oh, you KNOW you’ve done it, too!
Either way, I’m continuing to stuff my face.
Without a care in the world.
Tasting the chocolatey sweetness melt and ooze down the back of my throat.
All I’m thinking about is how EASY it’s going to BE to bring it ALLLLL back up.
Pooling into the toilet water like a messy mud puddle you’d see on a dirty forlorn street.
An acidic strench hovering over me.
I blink.
I’m STILL sprawled on the couch.
The delicate glass jar of Candy tucked neatly into my thighs.
My Husband laughs at something we’re watching.
I am STILL inhaling Chocolate like a wild 5-year-old Child let loose with their Easter Basket after the Hunt.
Partly because I know where this is leading.
I don’t want to.
But once I’ve started, there is NO stopping.
Until I’ve decided that I can’t physically EAT anymore,
OR….
A Bulimic’s nightmare-
I run out of food.
But TONIGHT,
It ENDS with the Easter Candy.
It’s actually quite embarrassing to see the amount of food one can pack IN during a full-fledged Binge.
It’s honestly like another person has taken over, and my mind is being held hostage.
No joke.
By an Evil Fat Girl that desperately wants to be released of her insecurities and inhibitions.
I hear she wears a Cape.
Just kidding!
LOL.
Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.
I am not proud of the fact that I could easily win a Food-Eating Contest if offered the opportunity.
IF I could throw up after.
Just being honest.
Probably NOT encouraged by the Judge’s.
Every person’s binge, is different, but most of us would be absolutely mortified if we were to ever be caught red-handed in the middle of THE Act.
I had a friend once, that was caught by her Husband when he returned home from work early.
She had pulled almost EVERY box, can, and jar containing any food in their entire house, out onto the Kitchen Table.
I’m not talking just cookies, and crackers, or peanut butter.
This crazy girl was eating olives, and sauerkraut, and frosting by the spoonfuls!
It was on the floor, it was on her shirt, and she recalled having remnants of half-eaten food on her face, when her husband walked IN through the garage door.
Not only was HE disgusted by what he was actually seeing, SHE was absolutely horrified that he had now found out WHY their grocery bills were always so ridiculously high.
She went into treatment,
And He left.
Took their Kids, and filed for Divorce.
My friend never did finish Treatment, citing irreconciable differences with the Hospital Staff.
Yes, lol, I’m quite sure of that!
She has suffered numerous relapses, Hospital stays, and most recently, 2 Heart Attacks.
Back to back.
She has not remarried.
And her Kids do not live with her.
In fact, the last time she saw them, was when she entered Treatment upon her Husband’s request.
She refuses to get help.
And she refuses to date anyone.
The Love of her Life is Bulimia.
I think of her sometimes.
Quite honestly, more when I’m about to use Eating Disorder Behaviors, than when I’m not.
I TRY to use her as my own example to scare myself into a “FULL” Recovery.
So far, it isn’t working too well.
Shelly's Recovery 