I threw up again today.
F#@$!!!!!
It was an unexpected turn of events, leaving me shaky, breathless, and defeated.
And once I started, I found I couldn’t stop.
Didn’t stop.
WOULDN’T stop.
But now?
I want to do it again.
NEED to do it again.
Again.
And again.
The sensation of swallowing food I won’t and can’t allow myself to eat, on a daily basis?
Forbidden foods.
Little Treats.
Entire fucking Meals!?
Washed down with Milk.
Maybe a Chocolate Shake.
If I’m low on cash, a McDonald’s Cone.
Ice-Cream is my FAVORITE Binge Food.
The softness off the cream…
Allows me to bring up harder foods that can’t, and won’t, come UP on their own very well.
Like Chips.
Or Crackers.
Their hardened edges, soft and soggy.
Enough to purge, without stabbing the back of my throat on the way back up.
Rice.
Yesterday’s leftover Casserole…
Clumped together in a thick cheesy wave of Vomit.
Pizza…
Didn’t taste AS good cold.
No time to heat it.
TASTE isn’t my goal.
Mmm….BUT, the Bread?
The Crust?
AMAZING.
The tomato sauce burns, causing even MORE of a pungent acid burn.
My entire Bathroom AND breath will now seriously REEK.
However, I DID savor the ENTIRE “Family” Package of Oreos I excitedly inhaled.
Feverishly licking and Biting the sweet Creme Center until it had completely dissolved.
I uneasily ate the dry Cookie remains.
Chugged a shit-ton of water, and then headed to the privacy of my Toilet.
Shit.
What the FUCK am I doing!?
I can’t believe I’m actually back to THIS!?!
Bruised my knee on the way down.
I shut and lock the door.
Re-locked it.
Ran the sink faucet.
Took off my Wedding Band…
Placed it on the sink.
Thrusting my fingers down into the back of my throat, I hoped “it” happened quickly.
It’s not something I DO on a regular basis.
Although, as of late, it’s been a foremost thought.
Ok, Action.
Thankfully, it DOES.
Once.
Twice.
A third time.
Until it’s gone.
ALL gone.
I watch the soiled remains of my broken desires begin to swirl together and travel downward.
A few splashing onto the cold tile below me.
Get rid of the evidence.
Wipe down the Toilet.
Check.
The area AROUND the Toilet.
Check.
Air freshener.
Check.
Rinse.
Brush.
Repeat.
I scrub my face, frantically trying to erase the acidic stench OFF my skin.
Gum.
Check.
Heartburn pill.
Check.
Better double up just in case.
I reapply my Mascara.
Blow my nose.
I apply a lotion with a strong powdery but woody, scent to hopefully cover up any remaining puke scent….
Clinging to my skin like a shroud of a hazy, and thick cloud of cigar smoke.
I hide my Secret burden.
For now….
Tomorrow,
Is ALWAYS another Day.
Try, try again.
And again.
And again.
Shelly's Recovery 