NUMBERS….

I’m trying to not freak out.

I bought some Food Packets.

Yes, Food Packets.

Ok.

I’ll be honest….

They were “Pureed Fruit”.

Shit, I bought BABY FOOD packets, ok!?!

They’re better for me nutritionally than just Applesauce packets.

They ARE!

However, with that, comes ADDITIONAL frickin’ calories!?!

I’ve gone from 150 Calories/day, to 240 Calories/day.

That is an EXTRA 90 Calories!?!

Fuck.

I’m trying to lose weight, NOT gain it!!

With Creamer in my “day-long” Coffee cup, I’m probably more at 300 Calories.

Still TOO many.

I’m trying to find where I can lower that number.

But I don’t know how.

Coffee without Creamer is NOT my thang.

NO THANKS.

And,

Without completely removing a “meal”.

I CAN do that, but feel better if I’m able to “eat” 3x day.

WHY Baby Food?

I can’t totally explain this, to make sense to you.

It’s fast and convenient.

Perfectly portioned.

Yummy.

And the texture.

Smooth.

Rich.

No chewing required!

Just suck ’em down while driving to my next Job.

I don’t know, it’s easy.

Did I already mention that they’re perfectly portioned?

No thinking.

No Cooking.

No Cutting.

No Talking.

No being stared at.

I honestly right now, struggle with eating in front of people.

Sometimes I CAN.

Sometimes I CAN’T.

NO “Eating”.

Easy.

Please, and thank you!

I can literally open my refrigerator door, scan all of it’s delicious contents, and will STILL firmly shut the door, and settle for a Fruit packet.

The only decision I have to make, is what Flavor.

Banana, Pear, and Sweet Potatoes.

OR,

Banana, Pear, and Raspberries.

YUM.

Seriously, I’m not lying.

I think it’s the ONLY way my Vitals weren’t all messed up when I went to Rodger’s last Fall.

You see, these magic packets are FULL of good stuff!

Vitamins.

Minerals.

And one that IS needed so that my body doesn’t go totally crazy!?

Potassium.

If you’ve ever had a Potassium drip at the hospital, you know how unpleasant that IV is!

For those of you who haven’t, it feels like someone is injecting you with the coldest ice water that you can IMAGINE, right into your vein.

Low potassium can literally stop your heart.

Instantly.

I believe that this is WHY people that suffer with Eating Disorders, end up having heart attacks.

By the waaaaay.

For inquiring minds-

MY Heart Attack 2 years ago WAS Cholesterol and Stress related.

It WAS.

And thank God, truly, that I DID have that Heart Attack.

If I hadn’t, the next time I DID have a heart attack, I think I would have died.

It was that serious.

And being Adopted, you have no idea WHAT your Medical or Family history is.

The Doctor’s found 2 Main Arteries blocked.

Right down the middle of my Heart.

I’m not sure, but people have told me that’s called broken heart syndrome!?!

Those 2 Arteries were 90% blocked.

So yes, I think if the next time I had a heart attack, I don’t think I would be around to talk about it…

That’s messed up.

I did have quite a few things that happened within the 3 months surrounding that whole scenario.

A dear friend of mine that owned a Doggy Daycare in my town passed.

I found out that the job that I had worked at for so long, was closing, And I was the last one invited to the party.

That really pissed me off, and so the weekend before my heart attack, I was seriously stressed about giving my notice.

I had my heart attack symptoms start literally, no lie, 15 minutes after I sent my resignation letter to my bosses.

I just had no idea. I just knew that I didn’t feel very well, I can tell you that.

And I also know that I do not handle stress very well.

I don’t eat.

I don’t sleep.

I llllliterally lay in bed and make lists of Shit that doesn’t even need to be done.

Ha!

Anyone else?

Where my Ladies at?

See.

Again, fucking NUMBERS!

SO, lots of Potassium!

And Daily Vitamin Gummies on TOP of that.

Gotta stay “Healthy”!

So.

Do I round up or down?

Mmm.

It’s all about the number(s) for me.

I truly DON’T know why.

Gahhhhh.

I hate this.

It really is like being tormented in a cruel way.

By MYSELF.

NUMBERS…..