HUNGER

I am Hungry.

Like, REALLY hungry.

I want to eat.

But then again, I don’t.

I can’t.

Well, I COULD, I guess.

I have only eaten 1 small Meal in the last 2 days.

So, I don’t really WANT to eat.

I am almost sorry that I ate yesterday.

I like the feeling I get when I don’t.

Yes, my stomach can feel like it’s eating itself at times.

Like right now.

But then, for every hunger pang I DO feel,

The more satisfaction I get.

Emptiness.

Racing Energy.

Lightness.

When I look down, and see all of this discusting FAT covering my Body,

I KNOW that I am making the right decision.

So, you see?

I CAN’T eat.

If I DO, I WILL just get fatter.

And fatter.

And FATTER.

It just needs to go away.

FAST.

Now.

My only saving Grace is that I KNOW that the days WILL pass quickly.

Hunger will mount.

It will be hard to ignore at times.

But it IS doable.

Water is good for THAT.

Coffee, too.

Yesssss.

I DO love my Caffeine.

Pushes me beyond my “normal” energy levels.

Energy falters when you’re NOT eating.

“Food is Fuel”……

Yes, I’m well aware.

Doesn’t mean that I’m going to eat.

I just….

Can’t.

I won’t.

This is what having an Eating Disorder is like.

There is this angry bitter voice….

ALWAYS chirping in the back of your brain.

Hissing that you can’t eat.

You’re not allowed.

It smirks at your reflection in the mirror.

Screams at you that you’re Fat.

Ugly.

Worthless.

I’ve tried killing that voice.

Drowning it in it’s sorrows.

Cutting it.

Watching it bleed.

It doesn’t go away.

Ever.