Sometimes,
The struggle TO eat,
Is just as strong as it is,
To NOT eat.
I feel SO sick.
I NEED to Eat.
I WANT to Eat.
My stomach is in literal knots from NOT eating.
A few little Tid-Bit’s here and there.
Applesauce.
A Granola Bar.
Coffee up the Whazoo.
I had the same problem earlier in the day…
That time,
I barfed.
Green Bile.
Coffee.
Nothing else.
Felt better,
Buuut….
The surging waves of nausea is back.
I tried warding it off all day, with little bites of food…..
But it wasn’t enough,
Apparently.
Ug.
I am meeting my Husband for Dinner at our favorite Laotian Restaurant.
I LIKE eating “Out”,
And I WILL definitely eat!
I want this fading feeling to pass!
PLUS, we’ve discovered “Sticky” Rice….
SO good!
We each get an Egg-Roll.
And NOT our normal Pad Tai order this time!?
Instead, we ordered Veggie’s & Tofu with Peanut Sauce.
YUM.
While we waited for our Entree, and after I had inhaled my Egg-Roll,
My “quirky” Eating Habit’s were questioned.
And it made my Husband angry.
Like,
REAL angry.
I shushed him.
The neighboring Table’s didn’t need to hear.
Apparently,
My only eating 1x day, isn’t “enough” for his liking.
And?
An Applesauce Packet doesn’t count as a “Meal”.
Next time,
I won’t bother telling you that I WAS sick.
An Hour-long heated conversation ensued,
While I gingerly pushed my Food around on my Plate.
Which in return,
ONLY made things worse.
The knot in my stomach started to become larger.
And larger.
I began to get full.
He angrily glared at me,
Spitting out-
“Do you think this a joke?!”
“We are right back where we started!
*I love the “WE”.
Ha. My Darling,
You have NO idea the shit I went through.
And GO through.
“Do you want to go back to Rodger’s!?”
Pleeeease.
I’m NOT going back to that place.
He can NOT make me.
And I certainly DON’T think this is a joke.
Atleast,
NOT on YOU.
Or TO you.
Including MYSELF.
I’m definitely not laughing.
If I WERE,
I certainly wouldn’t FEEL the way I do.
Like a Lone glass Bottle,
Heading shakily out to Sea.
Perhaps,
I’d wash up on someone’s Beach….
And become the next Genie IN the Bottle.
Ha.
Hey, it would be somewhere FAR away.
Out of YOUR way.
Remember,
I don’t like to take up space….
I stab at the remaining Broccoli on my plate.
I really DONT want to eat it.
Especially NOW that I’m being confronted.
I feel his eyes on me.
I set down my fork.
Thank GOD the bill came!
Swiped the 2 Peppermint Patties off the tray,
And scooted out of my chair.
We left.
And so did the conversation.
Parting ways,
We bid each other somewhat fake pleasantries.
And I headed to my car.
Now,
THIS is the hard part.
I am now being left ALONE after a HUGE Meal.
Stressed out,
Anxious,
Triggered,
And REALLY full.
Even though I took my Med’s to help with that.
Obviously NOT working.
Whatever…..
I am treading on very dangerous territory.
Damned if I DO,
Damned if I DON’T.
Why?
Because.
Because, that’s just how it works for someone with an Eating Disorder.
We endure our own Hell.
As an endless Pit,
Of Perfectionism.
Shelly's Recovery 