MEH…..

I am struggling.

I am finding myself resorting to the safety of old ED “Behaviors” while @ Camp…..

Good nor bad,

I guess?

Skipping meals.

Pushing food around on my plate.

Cutting my food into teeny pieces.

Lying about eating.

Pretending TO eat,

But not.

Something new and weird, that I’ve been doing?

Spitting food into my napkin when no one is looking.

WEIRD, I KNOW!

Don’t judge me.

However,

I find that just REFUSING food is the easiest.

Why?

Well,

For 2 reasons:

1. I can not and will NOT, puke out @ Camp.

It’s NOT an option.

2. My stomach literally physically HURTS if I eat too much.

Fyi:

YOU’RE definition of “too” much food is a LOT different than MINE.

So.

Keep your comments to yourself, please.

Last night, I literally had a small bowl of cooked veggies with a few small meatballs.

I didn’t WANT to eat.

And my anxiety was getting really, really high.

I was hungry.

And I NEEDED to eat.

Like, REALLY needed to eat.

Or, I WOULD be sick.

Meh.

That’s the WORST feeling about it all,

To be honest.

Damned if I DO,

Damned if I DON’T.

When I DO eat, I feel sick.

When I DON’T eat, I feel sick.

Sooooo…..

YOU tell me.

Ok?

Because it’s frustrating.

Maddening,

And….

Exhilarating all at once.

That last bit is somewhat of a new experience for some reason.

I shouldn’t say new…..

Maybe more like intense.

My heart will race.

My cheeks will flush.

I’ll talk faster.

And I will FORGET even more.

Oh,

And you feel like you could just run.

And run.

And run.

And then take off?

I’d ALSO imagine it’s what it’s like to use speed?

Maybe?

Not sure about that one.

My guess is that my ADHD gets kicked into extreme overdrive.

Especially when my anxiety is jacked up.

AND,

When I don’t eat.

Triple threat, right there….

Meh.

OR,

I get extremely tired.

Depressed.

Withdrawn.

Oh, what to DO!?

Right now,

I’m honestly seeing just how much I can get away with.

I’m sorry.

NOT sorry…..

I’m also not stupid,

I know that people can see the wacky shit that I’ve been doing.

It’s a little difficult to hide.

Mainly because I’m practically living with these peeps!?!

And so,

It just happens.

I’m not doing it to BE sneaky,

But if I DON’T,

I get harassed about it.

“It” being eating.

So, for me…..

Lying about it is easier.

At least it FEELS like it?

Mmmmm…..

It loves me,

It loves me not.

MEH.