This hit me pretty hard…
As I stew longer and longer in this black kettle pot,
That I call my Eating Disorder,
It dawned on me today that even though I’m loved….
DESPITE of the,
Starving,
Binging,
Purging,
And EVERYTHING that goes with it,
The Good Lord does NOT want me to STAY this way!?!
JESUS, TAKE THE WHEEEL.
NOW!
Nope.
Deep, right?
He doesn’t WANT me to feel like there’s no hope….
Or that I feel like my soul is dying.
And He DEFINITELY doesn’t want me to give up.
You see, I can’t lie.
It’s been on my mind….
A LOT.
More than it should be!
Do I stay,
Or,
Do I go….
Now?
Lol, isn’t that a song?
In all seriousness-
It’s been 30 years of this shit.
30 YEARS.
Y.E.A.R.S.
How many days IS that??
Hang on….
Ok, it IS:
10, 950 days.
That is a LOT of seriously LOUSY days of trying to fight this.
Wow.
I’ve only been ALIVE for,
15, 330 of those days!?!
So….
I’ve NOT had an Eating Disorder for:
4, 380 of those days.
Damn.
That’s pretty lousy.
It also doesn’t include THIS year,
And its probably been one of the WORST in my entire ADULT life.
I also found out who my true Friends are, while IN and after treatment,
BUT,
That’s ANOTHER Blog.
SO!
I am acknowledging that God loves me,
And WANTS to see me change.
CHANGE.
Easier said than done,
Am I right!?
But the fact that He doesn’t want me to stay the “way” I am,
Hits me hard….
REAL hard,
But hard enough?
To…
CHANGE?
Yes.
And,
No.
Does it mean I love Jesus any less?
Or that HE loves me any less?
No.
I know THAT to be true.
However,
It doesn’t mean that I get to stay comfortable.
God DOES want change-
He expects it!
Ug.
I feel like I can’t,
Nor,
WILL,
Be able to actually DO it…..
Gahhhhh!
Shelly's Recovery 