No,
No……I’m not.
I’m realizing this more and more.
I started a “Mental Health” and Addiction program yesterday.
Yep.
A little CRAZY.
Ha!
I was, and AM,
Really…..
Scared.
Anxious.
Embarrassed.
I guess if I WASN’T,
I’d be wondering WTF I was doing with my Life!?!
No, I mean that.
As ashamed as I am,
I am ALSO,
Understanding the NEED to be here.
AT Rock-Bottom,
AND,
IN Treatment.
Straight UP.
After a brief summary of WHY I was there,
She handed me a Kleenex box!?
I wasn’t even crying….
And,
Without even batting her eyes,
My Therapist peered RIGHT into MINE,
And said-
“You HAVE been through an awful lot, haven’t you?
You are filled with…..
A LOT of…..
Anger, no?”
Uhhh….
Bingo, Lady!
I wanted to high-five her.
No, really!
Because,
It IS what brought me here.
Yes,
There are a LOT of things I NEED to address,
But my ANGER?
It’s something that I am the only one who USUALLY sees….
Typically,
I take my OWN anger out.
On MYSELF.
Anorexia and Bulimia?
MY version of Self-directed Anger.
And….?
Those that are closest to me!?!?
My Husband, especially.
WHY is that!?
It KILLS me.
Growing up,
It was my Parents.
I MAY have deserved a few of the repercussions I received from them.
JUST a few,
And,
ONLY a few.
The other’s were undeserved!
My mouth has gotten me into BIG trouble.
Anger spills out,
And, oOOOOooo, she’s a real BITCH to clean up.
No lie.
With my Husband,
He LOVES me…..
ME.
Why,
I’m not entirely sure!?
My Friends?
I don’t have very many…..
CLOSE Friends.
A few.
I’m not sure IF they’ve ever seen me get angry?
IF you HAVE,
I’m sorry.
I really am.
It probably wasn’t pretty.
But,
Most recently?
My anger has caused me to lose not ONLY a Friend,
But someone who I truly….
Respect,
Trust,
And,
Admire…..
And,
I hurt them HORRIBLY.
I literally unleashed 40 YEARS of
Hurt,
Pain,
And,
Vile ANGER out on this poor person!?
NOT a proud moment.
At ALL.
I’m ashamed,
Embarrassed,
And,
MORTIFIED,
That I lost control….
That I let my anger,
And my big MOUTH,
Throw me under the Bus……
Ruin a good thing.
A LOT of good things.
So…..
Yes,
I’d say my ANGER?
NEEDS to be addressed.
I’m intrigued that my Group Leader would hit THAT nail on the head!?
I’d ONLY spent a few minutes with her at that point.
Lol, was I scowling??
So,
I asked her.
DUH.
Her reply?
“Anger has a way of changing the way we look on the OUTSIDE.
To OTHERS.
Through our….
Actions,
AND?
Addictions….”
EEEEK!!
WHO is this lady!?
Siiiiigh….
Yesterday was rough.
I can’t imagine TODAY will be any better….
Depression,
And,
Anxiety?
The struggle IS real,
My friends!
HOWEVER,
I will still show up,
And do the work.
No more hiding,
No more running.
COWARDS….
They hide.
Run away.
No.
Not TODAY, Satan,
NOT. TODAY.
Shelly's Recovery 