THIS.

TRUTH!

I’VE even used this excuse.

To MYSELF.

In a way to JUSTIFY my OWN behavior(s)…..

Especially my Drug use.

My Birth Mother was a HEROIN Addict.

The NEED to use substances is IN my DNA.

Atleast THAT’S what it FEELS like @ times.

OR is that just the LIE that I’ve been telling myself for the past 20+ years??

There IS solid info backing up this Theory, I’m sure, BUT-

I DON’T want to be like my Birth Mother in that sense.

THAT is what is fueling MY Recovery.

Yep.

It’s TRUE.

As much as I admire and respect her for the self-realization that she could NOT raise me,

I HATE the fact that she used WHILE pregnant with me.

HATE. IT.

I had NO choice in the matter.

She smoked.

Drank.

Took various prescription Drugs….

WHAT she decided to sling back and inject, is beyond me.

And WHY?

Well,

Life wasn’t easy for my Birth Mother.

She dropped out of School in the 8th grade.

She was arrested for Soliciting….

I’m not sure WHEN she turned to Drugs to cope,

BUT,

I am pretty sure she was working the streets to get money for her Heroin Addiction.

She was IN jail when my Brother Ron was born.

I DO know that she WAS married.

He was NOT my Biological Father.

Or Ron’s.

But she DID have another son who is 5 years older than me.

He was given to her Parents.

My understanding,

Is that they refused to take any MORE Children when I came along.

So I was put into Foster Care right away.

When I was born,

I weighed only 3 lbs.

I was an itty-bitty baby…..

I spent the first 3 MONTHS of my life in an incubator at the County Hospital.

Sometimes I wonder IF I was ever held.

Cuddled.

Kissed.

OR even simply,

LOVED on!?!

It hurts my heart more than you know,

Wondering IF I was ever snuggled.

Made to feel safe….

And KNOWING that I wasn’t held and loved by the one person who should HAVE!

I don’t even know IF my Birth Mother got to see me.

OR

Hold me!?!

Knowing what I know NOW about Babies?

They NEED their Mama!

WHY couldn’t MINE love me enough to KEEP me!?!

I don’t think I’ve EVER grieved THAT!?

I’m no cry-baby!

Lol, yes, I AM!

I’ve never allowed myself to TRULY feel that.

On the other hand?

My Birth Mother loved me ENOUGH that she KNEW she couldn’t give us a life that she wanted.

THAT is pure bravery.

And I commend her for THAT!

I don’t think I could carry a Baby for 9 months, and then just “give” it away.

Even IF I knew I wasn’t in the right spot in my life to RAISE a child.

I think I would have TRIED!

But that is here nor there, at this point.

I AM grateful for her decision.

If I hadn’t been given up for Adoption,

Who KNOWS what kind of life I’d be living.

I wouldn’t have been raised by 2 parents.

I wouldn’t of been raised in the Church.

I wouldn’t have met my Husband.

And I certainly wouldn’t be as much of a FIGHTER as I am NOW.

I’ve let this pain and anger

FUEL my being…..

NOT so sure IF that’s been a good coping skill, lol,

BUT,

It’s worked.

Until now.

You can only cover up that open oozing wound for so long.

Before the blister pops,

Disgusting junk oozes out,

And you’re left without a limb!?

My Birth Mother’s Drug use IS hindering to me.

BUT,

I will NOT allow myself to be shackled by HER poor choices,

OR,

Our Generational Family’s Demons-

ANYMORE.

I WILL DO THE WORK TO HEAL-

And,

I WILL BREAK FREE!

Even IF it KILLS me…..

I pronounce this in JESUS’S name!

Help me to see that I am NOT my Mother’s prodigy!

I will NOT repeat her mistakes.

And I most certainly will NOT use the excuse that I CAN’T get better,

That I can’t BE better.

Plenty of SOBER people walk this Earth.

I can, TOO!