I’ve never felt so discarded….

Empty.

Brokenhearted.

And,

Worthless.

In my entire life.

I am struggling to understand.

WHY?

What about you is so disarming,

And arrogant,

At the same time!?

It’s maddening.

How can you just walk away?

Like everyone else?

To prove a point?

Of “Authority”??

Because I didn’t ask….

Permission!?

That may be valid to you,

But it isn’t to me.

Because all I see,

Is someone who is a coward….

Claiming that I’M the person,

Who is running away.

When in reality,

It is you.

Yes,

YOU.

You WON’T accept my apologies.

And you REFUSE to talk to me!?

Yes-

I’m coming at you full-force,

Because I want,

And NEED you to see,

How much you really DO mean to me.

Maybe that’s the issue?

You’re like the Big Brother that I never had,

Always wanted,

And then finally got.

Only to be taken away?

Dude,

NO one ever agrees with someone else 100%….

Our actions aren’t pre-meditated.

It’s IN the heat of the moment,

When words fly.

Heart’s break.

And the fury of Anger,

Releases an Army of spite.

Yes,

It can’t be taken back.

I wish that I could,

Trust me!

But,

I can’t move forward,

When I don’t understand the WHY.

And,

Honestly?

If it is without you.

I loved you,

Like FAMILY!?!

Maybe that is why,

This pill is so hard to swallow….

Most,

If not ALL,

Of my Family has abandoned me.

For SURVIVING!

For speaking the Truth.

One that doesn’t match their own.

And now?

I get to add you to that list.

Yes,

I’m angry….

But,

More at myself….

For allowing you in.

Trusting you,

Letting my heart grow roots…

When the soil was perhaps a bit poisonous to begin with.

I should’ve known.

Expected…..

Everything I touch,

Turns to shit.

Honestly.

Somehow,

Every single time,

I’M the one who ruins it!?!

MY behavior,

And,

MY actions…..

Determine who stays,

And,

Who goes.

I feel as though,

Shame is my shadow….

Hovering,

Alienating,

Killing.

I guess,

The Cheese stands…..

Alone?

She always HAS,

And,

She always WILL.

#TRUESTORY…I am STILL trying to process the SUPER shitty day I had yesterday!

An important meeting at my Church that turned sour, AND then I get to Treatment, and am accused of a failed piss test!?

BEFORE I am even ABLE to TRY to “process” with my Therapist what happened earlier in the day!?

And THEN, to make matters EVEN worse, I am accused of having an INSANE amount of Fentanyl in my system, which I am STILL fervently denying to the Rodger’s STAFF!?!

DUDE- do they think I’m CRAZY!? (DON’T answer that, lol!) 🤣

I wouldn’t touch that crap with a 10 foot pole!?!

WTF!?

But, of COURSE, I’m in a Drug Treatment Program, so they have heard that plea before, I’m sure!?!

I’m SEETHING at this point, because NOT only am I being accused of something that I DIDN’T do, and they WON’T listen to me, they decide that I need someone to pick me UP so that I don’t drive HOME!?

So guess WHO they call!?

The POLICE!?

At this point, I was so distraught that the ONLY way I COULD stop the madness, was TO leave!

I’m NOT an idiot, I wasn’t sticking around for THAT, so I took off!

I just NEEDED to be ALONE, somewhere peaceful, so I head to the Lake Pier down the street from my house.

After a few minutes, my Husband comes looking for me, stating that the LOCAL Police are driving PAST the house looking for my car!?

LOL, I seriously can NOT make this shit UP! 🙄

Good-GRIEF!?!

The Police officer greets me warmly, asking if I knew WHY he was there.

Duh.

Yes, I state, I KNOW why.

He asks if I’m ok, which I AM, just sad and angry of being accused of something that I didn’t do.

We all chat for a few minutes, as the Wellness “check” is under control, obviously, and then he says- “Do you know WHY they actually sent me?

No, not really, I state.

And then he says that my Treatment Team was worried that I was driving UNDER the INFLUENCE!?

Of WHAT!?

You guessed it- FENTANYL!?

Because of the Drug Test.

From a WEEK ago!?! It was my very FIRST piss test, and in those 7 days, I’ve been 100% CLEAN!?

From Marijuana.

MY drug of choice for the past 25+ years.

NOT frickin’ FENTANYL!?!

NOW do you know WHY I was SO upset!?!

I honestly didnt know whether to LAUGH or CRY!?

I was like, REALLY!?

COULD MY DAY GET ANY WORSE!?!

God MUST have a wicked sense of Humor!?

But I ain’t laughing!!!!

I KNOW the TRUTH, and so does the good Lord, so I’m NOT worried.

Frustrated?

Angry?

ABSOLUTELY!

WITHIN GOOD REASON!!

Today is a NEW day.

I’ve called my Treatment Team, and have asked to sit down and CALMLY discuss what and where we go from here. I NEED to be in Treatment.

I WANT to be there!

Fingers CROSSED that I get that chance today…

NOPE,

I CAN’T go back to Treatment.

They DISCHARGED me from the Program when I left the premises.

What a load of 💩…..

SERIOUSLY!?!

I’ve spent the better half of the day on the phone with these people, and haven’t gotten ANYWHERE!?!

The Doctor on site will only let me come BACK,

IF:

I go to DETOX!?!

That is HYSTERICAL to me!

Detox from WHAT exactly!?!?

FENTANYL.

You’ve GOT to be KIDDING me!!!!!

I’ve NEVER used Fentanyl in my LIFE!?

HOW can I detox from something I did NOT take!?!

I just about cackled loudly on the phone, but held it together.

INSTEAD,

Anger ooooozed out of EVERY pore on my body…..

Do I feel BAD that I said some choice words to her?

Absolutely NOT!

There is NOTHING that I despise MORE,

Than being accused of something that I DIDN’T do!

Gahhhhhh!!!

The WORST part is that the Staff REFUSED to listen.

That doesn’t sit well with me!

At ALL!

When people REFUSE to listen,

And I feel that I’m NOT being HEARD?

Ooooo, better watch OUT!

For real.

I do NOT like being silenced!

Especially when I feel that I am being treated unjustly and unfairly.

Which I feel,

That I WAS.

I demanded to speak with the Program Manager.

And then the Director,

Doctor,

And anyone ELSE that I could speak to.

It ended up being a complete Merry-Go-Round!?

LET ME OFF!!

Good-grief….

I feel that MAYBE this is a sign.

Maybe Rodger’s ISN’T the place for me!?

I REALLY need someone who can ADVOCATE for me.

To TRULY listen.

To be empathetic,

And,

SYMPATHETIC,

To what is going on!?

I haven’t found that in ANYONE,

Except for MYSELF!?!

SO,

At THIS point,

Perhaps I just walk away?

Do this on my OWN!

It’s sounding more and more appeasing…..

Siiiiigh!

W.T.F.?!?!?

TRUTH!

I’VE even used this excuse.

To MYSELF.

In a way to JUSTIFY my OWN behavior(s)…..

Especially my Drug use.

My Birth Mother was a HEROIN Addict.

The NEED to use substances is IN my DNA.

Atleast THAT’S what it FEELS like @ times.

OR is that just the LIE that I’ve been telling myself for the past 20+ years??

There IS solid info backing up this Theory, I’m sure, BUT-

I DON’T want to be like my Birth Mother in that sense.

THAT is what is fueling MY Recovery.

Yep.

It’s TRUE.

As much as I admire and respect her for the self-realization that she could NOT raise me,

I HATE the fact that she used WHILE pregnant with me.

HATE. IT.

I had NO choice in the matter.

She smoked.

Drank.

Took various prescription Drugs….

WHAT she decided to sling back and inject, is beyond me.

And WHY?

Well,

Life wasn’t easy for my Birth Mother.

She dropped out of School in the 8th grade.

She was arrested for Soliciting….

I’m not sure WHEN she turned to Drugs to cope,

BUT,

I am pretty sure she was working the streets to get money for her Heroin Addiction.

She was IN jail when my Brother Ron was born.

I DO know that she WAS married.

He was NOT my Biological Father.

Or Ron’s.

But she DID have another son who is 5 years older than me.

He was given to her Parents.

My understanding,

Is that they refused to take any MORE Children when I came along.

So I was put into Foster Care right away.

When I was born,

I weighed only 3 lbs.

I was an itty-bitty baby…..

I spent the first 3 MONTHS of my life in an incubator at the County Hospital.

Sometimes I wonder IF I was ever held.

Cuddled.

Kissed.

OR even simply,

LOVED on!?!

It hurts my heart more than you know,

Wondering IF I was ever snuggled.

Made to feel safe….

And KNOWING that I wasn’t held and loved by the one person who should HAVE!

I don’t even know IF my Birth Mother got to see me.

OR

Hold me!?!

Knowing what I know NOW about Babies?

They NEED their Mama!

WHY couldn’t MINE love me enough to KEEP me!?!

I don’t think I’ve EVER grieved THAT!?

I’m no cry-baby!

Lol, yes, I AM!

I’ve never allowed myself to TRULY feel that.

On the other hand?

My Birth Mother loved me ENOUGH that she KNEW she couldn’t give us a life that she wanted.

THAT is pure bravery.

And I commend her for THAT!

I don’t think I could carry a Baby for 9 months, and then just “give” it away.

Even IF I knew I wasn’t in the right spot in my life to RAISE a child.

I think I would have TRIED!

But that is here nor there, at this point.

I AM grateful for her decision.

If I hadn’t been given up for Adoption,

Who KNOWS what kind of life I’d be living.

I wouldn’t have been raised by 2 parents.

I wouldn’t of been raised in the Church.

I wouldn’t have met my Husband.

And I certainly wouldn’t be as much of a FIGHTER as I am NOW.

I’ve let this pain and anger

FUEL my being…..

NOT so sure IF that’s been a good coping skill, lol,

BUT,

It’s worked.

Until now.

You can only cover up that open oozing wound for so long.

Before the blister pops,

Disgusting junk oozes out,

And you’re left without a limb!?

My Birth Mother’s Drug use IS hindering to me.

BUT,

I will NOT allow myself to be shackled by HER poor choices,

OR,

Our Generational Family’s Demons-

ANYMORE.

I WILL DO THE WORK TO HEAL-

And,

I WILL BREAK FREE!

Even IF it KILLS me…..

I pronounce this in JESUS’S name!

Help me to see that I am NOT my Mother’s prodigy!

I will NOT repeat her mistakes.

And I most certainly will NOT use the excuse that I CAN’T get better,

That I can’t BE better.

Plenty of SOBER people walk this Earth.

I can, TOO!

Just a reminder to myself….

That is all!

This.

After walking OUT of Treatment the other day,

I feel like I self-sabotoged myself.

In fact,

I KNOW that I did.

Because I couldn’t stay clean.

Being sober for Group IS a requirement.

I have NO self control.

At ALL.

Especially when Group is so late in the day.

4:30pm.

Uhhhh, HALF the day is already gone!?!

And so,

I wait.

To see if there is a different Program that I can start.

Soon!

STILL waiting to hear back.

Until then…..

I am extremely sad.

Sad that I can’t pull myself together.

Angry that I can’t seem to get things RIGHT.

Discouraged that I messed things up.

AGAIN.

I seriously feel like a Failure.

A. BIG. FAT. FAILURE.

No,

No……I’m not.

I’m realizing this more and more.

I started a “Mental Health” and Addiction program yesterday.

Yep.

A little CRAZY.

Ha!

I was, and AM,

Really…..

Scared.

Anxious.

Embarrassed.

I guess if I WASN’T,

I’d be wondering WTF I was doing with my Life!?!

No, I mean that.

As ashamed as I am,

I am ALSO,

Understanding the NEED to be here.

AT Rock-Bottom,

AND,

IN Treatment.

Straight UP.

After a brief summary of WHY I was there,

She handed me a Kleenex box!?

I wasn’t even crying….

And,

Without even batting her eyes,

My Therapist peered RIGHT into MINE,

And said-

“You HAVE been through an awful lot, haven’t you?

You are filled with…..

A LOT of…..

Anger, no?”

Uhhh….

Bingo, Lady!

I wanted to high-five her.

No, really!

Because,

It IS what brought me here.

Yes,

There are a LOT of things I NEED to address,

But my ANGER?

It’s something that I am the only one who USUALLY sees….

Typically,

I take my OWN anger out.

On MYSELF.

Anorexia and Bulimia?

MY version of Self-directed Anger.

And….?

Those that are closest to me!?!?

My Husband, especially.

WHY is that!?

It KILLS me.

Growing up,

It was my Parents.

I MAY have deserved a few of the repercussions I received from them.

JUST a few,

And,

ONLY a few.

The other’s were undeserved!

My mouth has gotten me into BIG trouble.

Anger spills out,

And, oOOOOooo, she’s a real BITCH to clean up.

No lie.

With my Husband,

He LOVES me…..

ME.

Why,

I’m not entirely sure!?

My Friends?

I don’t have very many…..

CLOSE Friends.

A few.

I’m not sure IF they’ve ever seen me get angry?

IF you HAVE,

I’m sorry.

I really am.

It probably wasn’t pretty.

But,

Most recently?

My anger has caused me to lose not ONLY a Friend,

But someone who I truly….

Respect,

Trust,

And,

Admire…..

And,

I hurt them HORRIBLY.

I literally unleashed 40 YEARS of

Hurt,

Pain,

And,

Vile ANGER out on this poor person!?

NOT a proud moment.

At ALL.

I’m ashamed,

Embarrassed,

And,

MORTIFIED,

That I lost control….

That I let my anger,

And my big MOUTH,

Throw me under the Bus……

Ruin a good thing.

A LOT of good things.

So…..

Yes,

I’d say my ANGER?

NEEDS to be addressed.

I’m intrigued that my Group Leader would hit THAT nail on the head!?

I’d ONLY spent a few minutes with her at that point.

Lol, was I scowling??

So,

I asked her.

DUH.

Her reply?

“Anger has a way of changing the way we look on the OUTSIDE.

To OTHERS.

Through our….

Actions,

AND?

Addictions….”

EEEEK!!

WHO is this lady!?

Siiiiigh….

Yesterday was rough.

I can’t imagine TODAY will be any better….

Depression,

And,

Anxiety?

The struggle IS real,

My friends!

HOWEVER,

I will still show up,

And do the work.

No more hiding,

No more running.

COWARDS….

They hide.

Run away.

No.

Not TODAY, Satan,

NOT. TODAY.

Dude.

I have needed God a LOT in my life.

HOWEVER, lately, I feel like I’ve needed Him MORE than ever.

The past few weeks, ok, months, have been REALLY rough for me.

No lie.

I WON’T go into specifics, BUT-

I honestly feel, and have felt like,

That I’ve hit rock bottom.

You know what’s ironic about that?

ROCK Bottom.

What’s A rock?

And WHO is my Rock?

Who HAS been my Rock?

Jesus.

Yep.

Funny…..

When you hit ROCK Bottom, WHAT do you DO?

You RELY on that ROCK.

Cling for safety…

And PRAY that you don’t fall OFF that Rock.

Right?

Because of certain circumstances that developed out at one of MY most Sacred places, Camp, I’ve HAD to rely ON Him, and not anyone else.

And most certainly,

NOT myself.

Last night, after a SUPER convicting Concert at my Church,

I went home, layed on my bed, and sobbed.

Like a Baby.

Ugly-crying probably ensued,

BUT that is beside the point.

I love Music.

Like, REALLY love it.

So,

I listened to Worship music….

Prayed,

And listened to what the Holy Spirit had to say.

To ME.

A light bulb went off, and not only did it bring RELIEF,

It put EVERYTHING into perspective for me.

I.CAN’T.DO.THIS.BY.MYSELF.

I just CAN’T.

I DON’T know HOW to do this on my own.

And last night,

I FINALLY realized that.

Not just in my MIND,

But,

In my Heart!

And,

IN my SOUL.

My SOUL, dude!?!

So?

I let the tears flow.

Sometimes you NEED to LET IT OUT.

I can’t do that with other people around,

So I was SUPER glad the Hubby was downstairs, watching the Telly.

As sob-racked as I WAS?!?

I felt the MOST at peace I’ve EVER felt.

SERIOUSLY.

WAY better than YOGA.

And?

I KNEW that I NEEDED to be reminded of WHO really is in control of my life.

I NEEDED to be reminded that NO matter how far, or how many times I’ve strayed,

That I have a Heavenly Shepard,

Who will NEVER stop searching for me.

For ME!?

HIS lost little Lamb,

Who has been BLEATING as loud as she possibly could.

For a LONG time.

Guess what?

He heard her.

HEARS her.

He’s pulled her back into His safety.

Gently guiding her BACK to the rest of His Flock.

And back onto HIS rock.

One that NEVER crumbles….

Even WHEN I’ve done HORRIBLE things….

Even when I’ve SAID horrible things…

And even WHEN I think I know best.

I don’t.

Never have,

Never will.

It’s HIS will to be done.

NOT mine.

Man, do I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted OFF of me.

I can’t describe it.

Freedom?

Not sure.

BUT,

It feels good!

Thank you, Jesus, for being MY Shepard’s Hook!

For snatching me before I ran MYSELF off a Cliff.

Thank you for saving me!

There’s NO price for that.

Except,

As usual,

I WILL praise HIS name over ALL else!

It’s the LEAST I can do.

I owe Him MORE than that.

I will never be able to repay Him.

EVER.

And He doesn’t WANT me to.

THAT’S what’s AMAZING, and CRAZY, about ALL of this!?!?

There is NOTHING I CAN give Him,

or DO,

To pay My debts.

It leaves one feeling a bit sorry for one’s self, eh?

LOL.

I think I just even heard God chuckle at that one….

No pity.

No shame.

Just Love.

And,

His AMAZING Grace!

AMEN!

I am tired.

I want to keep going, but seem to be lacking any, if not ALL, motivation.

Did I even shower today?

Not sure.

Barely even fed myself today….

Until I was SO sick that I HAD to.

After I ate?

Sick again.

I could BARELY keep it down.

But.

I DID.

Mainly because I knew I NEEDED to.

Blech.

I made a “Brave” decision today.

I asked for Help.

I’ve got a TON of things that I need to address, so it might as well be NOW.

Just “add” it on to the BIG pile O’ 💩, that I call my life.

No, REALLY.

Yes, lets!

Because it’s NOT like I don’t need more!?

Good-grief…..

However,

I’ve been straight UP called OUT by enough people in my life right now,

I’m feeling like I HAVE to do something.

If I DON’T……?

Yeahhhhh,

There are NO alternatives here.

It’s now, or never, right?

SO?

I just gotta KEEP GOING!

No matter how much it hurts,

Or how hard it gets-

I’VE.GOT.TO.JUST.KEEP.GOING.

I’m pissed.

AF.

I’ve been SO good!?!

Last night,

Was the beginning to an end.

Or so I thought.

I wanted to prove to my Husband that I could eat more than just a slice or two of Pizza.

I ate 3 pieces,

And felt SO full that I had to literally MAKE my Husband not leave the room.

I was afraid IF he did, I’d run to the bathroom and get rid of it.

Which I DID.

AFTER, curling into a teny-tiny ball on my couch….

Forcing myself to ride the storm.

It was a Hurricane.

I cried,

I begged my Husband to please, NOT leave the room…..

And I THOUGHT I’d gotten thru the worst of it.

Until, I was faced with my OWN silence.

And my OWN choices…..

And I chose wrong.

Story OF my life!

WHY do I NEVER learn!?

Needing this today.

A LOT of it.

Do YOU?

Let’s find some,

FAST.

Depression is REAL,

My Friends.

VERY real.

A little TOO real.

Blech.

I HATE it when I have days like this….

Nothing I do,

Or anyone else for that matter,

Remotely helps the melancholy that settles in….

Threatening to NOT leave.

Ever.

That’s what it feels like.

NO lie.

It’s ON those days,

That I honestly DON’T want to get out of bed.

Shower.

Eat.

Take my meds.

Talk.

Smile.

Function.

Live.

I literally become one giant….

Slug.

Captivated by Netflix,

Binge watching EVERY episode of what’s-the-what.

Engrossed with the charm of OTHER people’s lives.

Ok, Drama…..

Whatever!

And it usually leads to ME feeling worse.

Seriously.

LOL.

The joke’s on ME!

It always IS….

I’m just typically the LAST one to KNOW.

So,

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho,

It’s BACK to bed I go!

Swallowing down an extra little cocktail of Anxiety pills,

I pull the cover’s over my head….

And silence the crazy nonsense,

I call my Brain.

At least for a FEW moments!?!

Sleep,

Is pretty much MY new….

“Coping” Skill.

Yup,

I’ve been enjoying it quite immensely.

I don’t have to do ANYTHING.

Except,

Invite the allure of slumber.

BECAUSE,

As MOST of you probably KNOW…..

YOU, too, suffer from the SAME Hell!

My mind does NOT want to shut off.

EVERY little thing I need to DO tomorrow,

EVERY little thing I said or did WRONG today-

Trust me when I say,

EVERY little piece of my LIFE gets micro-scrutinized.

Under my OWN damning Microscope.

It pretty much sucks….

Until the Anxiety drugs kick in.

THEN,

And ONLY then,

Is there complete silence….

Of the Heart,

Soul,

Mind,

AND

Mouth!

😏😶😘