This is a tough one…
I’ve thought about this for a long time, but most recently, have changed my views…
Here’s WHY:
I can’t lie, as someone who has pretty much always had an eating disorder since my early teens, I have always been a wee wishy-washy about the idea that an eating disorder is a “choice”. Because deep down, WE are the one’s who ultimately MAKE the decision to walk away; maybe once, twice, or multiple times, before it ultimately kills us by choice or our bodies physically just get fed up with our life’s coping mechanism….did you like my pun, lol!?) Ha! I used to scoff at people that said “Oh, so-and-so can’t help it, it’s a “mental illness” or “sickness”! Mmm. Maybe. Maybe not.
HOWEVER!!!!!
Last Summer, something in my brain literally switched off, and I “decided” that I simply wasn’t going to eat anymore. (Now, I’ll be honest here- my Eating Disorder of choice has ALWAYS been Bulimia. I’m not 100% sure WHY, but theres something very comforting about it!? Many find it disgusting, and crude. So they make the choice to starve themselves. Or run and workout like a frickin’ Maniac. Or they use Laxatives….) That I could live on water. And a LOT of Coffee. And Fruit, after awhile. But I didn’t eat for an entire week. Yes, a week. Well, 5 days. NOT an easy task when you are Camping with a bunch of Middle School aged kids!? BUT, you always find a way. I made it work. You ALWAYS do. My Husband had also conveniently sliced open his Achilles Tendon, so I was able to leave a few hours every day, that actually, I think, rotated around when Meals were served. A quick in and a quick out, and by the end if the week, the gnawing ache in my gut, just kind of….went away. And I stopped hiding it. Just carried my Coffee mug around. EVERYWHERE I went. Ignored the weird looks and curious glances when I DID show up to “eat”, and either didn’t or ate a very small meal. Plus, we’re hanging with Teens, and they don’t really sleep, so we dont sleep. And Coffee is probably just a normal Beverage, right, lol!? Good-grief. Anyway, after that, I lived off Fruit. Maybe a little Yogurt or Cottage Cheese, etc. I tried to eat as normally as I could when around Friends and Family. Some people noticed, and others did not. Whatever, still marching forward! By late Summer, or early Fall, I was literally existing on what I thought was a great idea due to stomach issues I was having (which was severe, and I mean SEVERE), was very little. Maybe 200-300 Calories a day? Tops? *(Um, I would HIGHLY recommend that anyone reading this who for some BIZARRE reason, THINKS they should try this “Diet”, I would hope the severe constipation, the coldness, and Depression, and other $HIT I’ve mentioned, Ha! Another pun, sorry, would be enough to deter you!!!!! And if NOT, I can tell you some other horror stories, but that’s another time, maybe? But, if you insist, message me!) I was surviving on Baby Food “Fruit” & “Veggie” Packets and Apple-Sauce Packets. And Coffee. LOT of frickin’ Coffee. So much so, that I became a pretty permanent fixture to the back tables, journaling, and you guessed it, drinking UNlimited cups of Coffee, YAYYY, at my local Coffee Shop. And so, I got really, really, REALLY Constipated. Like, having to go to the Hospital, bad. I was retching, and no lie, projectile vomiting, and I just felt SO, SO, SO sick. I had NO clue WHY!? I was so sick, that out of the blue, and after 20+ years of NOT having one, I had a MAJOR full-blown Panic Attack. It was so bad that I felt like I was having a seizure. My hands and feet were literally curling up, and I was put in a wheelchair because I wasn’t able to even walk. Weird. It just got worse when the Nurse, after 20 minutes found out that I had an Eating Disorder. I HAD to tell her. She started talking down to me, which y’all KNOW I can NOT stand, and was NO help. At. All. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a Panic attack, but they’re pretty horrible. Sometimes you even hyperventilate and pass out!? But the WORST thing about them?? Your Brain feels detached from your Body. Straight up. It’s confusing and it’s super disorienting! And I couldn’t do ANYTHING about it!! I felt like my own body was deceiving me, and I had no control over it!!??!! Ick. That night was NOT fun! Enema after Enema, and STILL nothing really, so after a few hours of TOTALLY mortifying me in front of my wonderful Husband who was trying not to gag probably, but also trying to be comforting, was trying to keep things on the lighter side- we laughed hysterically about it! Thank goodness I’ve got him as my Best-friend!! Because seriously? I MAY have NOT been quite as kind…I would have dry heaved right there and then, and I wouldn’t of been able to take one for the Team…..I would have frickin’ BOLTED! Sorry, not sorry!!!! Lol!
SO, sorry, I had to catch you up, the reason I TOLD you all of that, is because I just was NOT in the right mindset. I couldn’t think clearly, I was angry, moody, isolating, and HANGRY. Like, ALL.THE.TIME…..enough of a Funk, that I ended up at an Inpatient Eating Disorder Hospital. To monitor my heart among a ton of other things, but mainly to get in a good “Re-feed” before ushering me off to Residential Treatment, which is set-up like a dorm, with a small Cafeteria, complete with a Nurse’s Office. BUT! There is NO way that at the severity of my Anorexia, that I could say that it was a “Choice”. My need for being IN control, spun my world OUT of control! In fact, it pretty much broke me. I WAS sick. I had an “illness”! I’m not so sure what YOU would consider having a “Mental Illness”, but I DO suffer from Severe Depression, OCD (slight!!), and Border-Line Personality Disorder. Yup. Kinda CRAZY! Lol, ANOTHER pun! I make myself chuckle sometimes!
SO! Is having an Eating Disorder an “Illness” OR a “Choice”?? Mmm! “Both, my darling, both! Just 2 different perceptions!”
Yours.
And mine.
Shelly's Recovery 