TODAY

I went to Church this morning.

Part of me WANTED to go,

And part of me DIDN’T.

Why?

TWO reasons:

First, I felt the Lord putting it ON my heart to GO.

I kept trying to make excuses NOT to go, but He wasn’t having it.

So I walked into a Church that I’ve only gone to a few times.

As much as I liked it,

I felt a tad bit uncomfortable…..

It doesn’t FEEL like “mine”.

The Church I grew UP in, has always felt like Home to me.

Even when I go to other Churches,

It NEVER feels the same.

Secondly, I am still reeling from the loss of what I believe is true,

Was the act of being pushed out from the one place I always thought I’d be welcome at.

I WANT to find a Church that I feel like that I belong.

Again, like my “Home” Church.

Is it because the people DON’T feel like Family?

Part of me WANTS to be able to “start over” fresh,

Where people DON’T know me.

But it also feels extremely lonely.

At the same time,

Just going to Church and NOT getting emotionally involved sounds like the right path TO go.

Why?

Because for the past 3 or 4 YEARS,

I literally poured EVERY part of my being into Serving at my “Home” Church.

And it left me reeling with insecurity,

Along with a stinging bite of reality….

That People can HURT you when they KNOW you.

I let my guard down.

Letting other’s into my life.

Into my Heart.

Only to leave it broken.

And questioning my OWN Faith,

Because I didn’t necessarily AGREE with some of their ideas, thoughts, OR actions.

I took a stance,

And it left me blind sided.

I felt judged.

Betrayed.

Broken.

The exact OPPOSITE of what a Church SHOULD leave one feeling.

So, yes, I am a bit hesitant to open myself to the same scrutiny.

I can only blame myself,

As this was the EXACT reason I left my Church in the first place,

Almost 20 YEARS ago.

WHY did I think it would be ANY different,

THIS time!?

Because the Pastor’s had changed?

That I’D changed?

I’m still not totally sure…

I feel like I was being “tested”.

Not by Man,

But by God.

Did I pass,

Or did I fail?

I’m STILL trying to figure out the “WHY”.

Which, I’m not entirely sure that I’m SUPPOSED to question.

But I DO.

That’s the hard part-

NOT getting an answer,

And just trusting.

I’ll be the FIRST to tell you that I don’t have a lot of Patience.

I want to know the “why”,

NOW!

Perhaps THIS is WHY my Heart STILL hurts,

My judgement jaded.

I am leery of people AND places.

I DON’T want to FEEL like my heart has hardened.

And my perception twisted.

Confusion is NOT a good place for one’s mind to contemplate.

Because it is NOT from God….

This much IS true.

So, THIS morning, I sat in the Lobby, and NOT in the sanctuary.

Watching the Sermon being live streamed on a TV…

I wasn’t alone…

3 other’s joined me.

They LEFT when it was time to take Communion.

I stayed….

Partook.

And I DID step inside to be with the rest of the Congregation.

It felt a bit foreign,

I won’t lie.

As much as I’d LIKE to be an Outsider,

My HEART just won’t allow it!?!

Even when my MIND feels like it’s on opposing Teams.

I feel torn.

On what I want,

And what JESUS wants!?!

Which was exactly what today’s Sermon was all about…

That when we live for God,

We aren’t living for ourselves.

And getting OUR way,

ISN’T what’s important.

OR viable.

I believe THIS is why the Lord prompted me to go to Church this morning.

So, thank you, Jesus-

For the reminder that it’s NOT about the people,

It’s about YOU! 💗