I am IN the midst of Recovery from Anorexia and Bulimia.
I’ve had Bulimia for over 30+ years.
I’ve always dabbled in Anorexia, BUT a year ago, it seized me….
In 2 months, I lost almost 60 lbs.
I could of stopped at 20, but I wanted to be THINNER.
I didn’t enjoy eating anymore….
So, I lived off Applesauce and Baby Food packets.
But I WASN’T truly living.
I HATED eating in front of other’s.
I tried to skip meals with my Husband, by keeping myself booked with work.
I’d go out with Friends, and ONLY allow myself to enjoy a Large Coffee.
I did NOT enjoy the feeling of food IN my stomach.
Or my Bowels.
After getting EXTREMELY Constipated, which sucked,
I started getting addicted to the FEELING of emptiness.
I began drinking Magesium Citrate on a DAILY basis.
To get rid of the “food” I was eating….
Blech.
It felt empowering.
And CLEAN.
After a few months,
I landed in the Hospital,
On an Eating Disorder Floor.
NOT fun,
“Relearning” to eat solid food again.
My Blood Pressure was TOO low, due to the lack of nutrients.
I was FREEZING 24/7.
Fast forward a year….
I’m doing PRETTY well!
I am completely weight restored.
I enjoy eating food; maybe a little TOO much.
I actually FEEL the NEED to EAT.
If I DON’T,
I get physically sick.
Headaches,
The shakes.
Complete exhaustion.
I don’t know HOW I survived last year!?
I AM struggling a bit,
Accepting this “new” Body;
Although, it’s NOT that NEW!?
Leading up to my Relapse,
I’ve ALWAYS been a bit on the stought side.
I have a Belly.
That jiggles when I brush my teeth,
And gets in the way of feeling comfortable with myself.
WHY is that!?
When I was younger,
I used to fantasize about taking a pair of scissors and cutting my Fat Rolls off.
WTF!?
Sad, but TRUE.
I KNOW that everyone,
For the most part,
Has them, right!?
I just NEED to get used to them.
I AM willing to taste,
And enjoy FOOD.
So, it THAT is the by-product of HAPPINESS,
Then sign me UP.
I LOVE trying new Restaurants.
Baked Goods….
Cupcakes?
My secret Love Language!
Pizza,
Chocolate,
Noodles,
ALLLLLLL the delicious FOOD,
That I used to avoid like the plague.
Now,
MOST food is eaten with Family.
Friends.
Myself.
And I’m NOT ashamed.
Eating is NORMAL.
It allows us to LIVE.
And be SOCIAL.
Sharing Memories over a tasty MEAL,
Or a Ooooey-Gooooey Brownie,
Dripping in a rich Caramel Sauce,
Followed by a rich cup of Coffee?
Laughing,
Maybe even crying.
But most of the time,
EATING is a SOCIAL event,
MEANT TO ENJOY.
NOT turn away,
Isolate,
Shrivel up….
And DIE!
Not ONLY on the INSIDE,
But on the OUTSIDE as well….
Captivated with Purging,
Clinging to Starvation.
I honestly want NO part in that!
I LOVE my ability to be ABLE to now SHARE in those moments,
Even when I’m by MYSELF,
I’ll remind my BRAIN,
That it’s OK to nourish my Body AND Soul!
My HEART is fuller…
And so is my BELLY, I suppose!?
DONE.
The Mental ANGUISH I was suffering from,
Took it’s toll.
I DON’T want to EVER be stuck in that HELL of a time-warp again!
And so?
I am PUSHING myself to be IN “active” Recovery.
TRUE Recovery!
Accepting my Body just the way it IS….
Perfect.
Divine.
Deliciously Soft.
And adored by my Husband!
But MOST of all,
I am teaching myself that I am created in God’s image.
And HE thinks I’m PERFECT just the way I AM.
Besides,
It’S NOT about my outward appearance that TRULY matters.
At least to HIM.
And quite frankly,
HE is the only one who cares about me SO deeply,
That the clothes I wear,
And the food I eat….
There is absolutely no NEED to worry about it.
And so?
I won’t.
💗
Shelly's Recovery 