Wow.
It’s been 1 YEAR already since I left Rodger’s for my Eating Disorder.
1 YEAR into a pretty solid Recovery.
The first 3-6 Months home were a bit rocky.
I ditched the idea of a Meal Plan after a few months,
And found myself thrown into something called “Intuitive Eating”.
Once I let myself HAVE the foods that I’d been craving or were AFRAID of,
I started eating what my body was, and IS, asking for.
Sometimes it’s Fruit and Veggies.
Other times it’s a Burger and Fries.
Yes, Doughnuts and cupcakes, and Chocolate were, and are, in there, too.
Have I gained weight?
Yes,
I am FULLY weight restored.
Does it, and did it, frighten me?
Absolutely.
Am I pissed that some of my FAVORITE Jean’s, T-shirts, and Bras DON’T fit anymore?
Yes.
Have I cried over the new fat-rolls I’ve acquired?
The fleshy belly,
The thicker thighs?
The reflection that I see IN the Mirror?
God, YES!
Have I considered starting to Restrict and give myself stern and Ritualistic Food Rules?
Yep.
Have I made myself throw-up after the sinking feeling of defeatful guilt after a Binge?
For SURE.
I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t.
BUT.
For every FALL,
I’ve gotten back UP!
Every day IS a new day.
Every Hour, sometimes, is the only WAY I’ve stayed IN active Recovery.
And that’s OK.
It IS.
No matter WHAT my Brain SAYS,
OR what my Eyes SEE on my Instagram Feed and Stories.
Facebook included.
When comparing and stressing about OTHER People’s Journey,
I HAVE to remind myself of my OWN.
Everybody and every BODY is different.
Every one of us struggling with the past of an Angry Eating Disorder,
Is at risk for failing.
And we WILL.
And again, it’s OK.
What ISN’T ok,
Is slipping and backsliding into OLD Habits,
And USING Eating Disorder Behaviors.
OR, in MY case,
That also includes “using”.
By the way,
I am PROUD to say that it’s been over 90 days,
That I’ve stayed sober.
And I feel good.
REALLY good!
I never thought that after 25 years,
I could say that.
But I CAN.
And it feels AWESOME!
Do I still have cravings?
Do I MISS my “Old” smoking Friends?
Yes.
But then,
I remember,
And REMIND myself of WHAT life WAS like.
Chaotic.
Stressful.
Isolated.
Depressed.
No, thank you.
I actually ENJOY being clear-headed,
Mindful,
Hopeful.
Yes, please!
YOGA has been AMAZING for me.
Being able to BREATHE, STRETCH and be PRESENT?
Being able to RELAX,
And TAKE the TIME for ME?
Priceless.
Straight up.
I’ve ALSO discovered CBD OIL.
It’s been a GAME CHANGER for me!
Less Pain.
Anxiety,
Anger.
Depression.
MAJOR decrease!
Do I still use MORE than one anti-depressant on a daily basis?
For sure.
Anxiety Meds?
Check.
Do I FEEL Medicated?
No.
Do I FEEL less pressure to be Perfect?
Social?
Likeable?
Acceptable?
Thin?
YASSSSS.
I am grateful,
EXTREMELY grateful,
To KNOW that I CAN’T ever go running back to my Eating Disorder.
I want to fist bump MYSELF.
For REAL.
I am LEARNING to TRUST my Body.
LOVE my Body…..
Smaller OR Larger.
Accepting that to MAINTAIN the level of discipline to BE small,
Means an UNHAPPIER me.
A HANGRIER me,
And a more SPITEFUL me.
I shall pass on that empty plate of Misery.
Why?
Because…
I am Happy.
Hopeful.
And Joyful,
Being IN Recovery.
And I want to STAY that way.
You should, too!
I think that’s when Life TRULY begins.
Living unbridled of ALL the Self-loathing,
And ANXIETY?
THAT’S when you have the freedom to just BE.
Embracung the YOU that’s been HIDING.
Closed OFF to everyone….
Yourself included.
Throwing AWAY the Mentality of feeling like a Victim,
And taking CHARGE of your OWN Soul.
Which by the way,
Isn’t just your Heart,
It’s your MIND!
The one who has sneakily been clouding and impairing your ABILITY to FEEL,
And THINK for yourself.
The same Mind that felt, and sometimes FEELS like,
It’s been split right down the middle…..
Only letting a small percentage of People INTO your space….
Allowing Them to see the TRUE,
And unique YOU.
Being REAL?
For ME?
Is right up there with Integrity.
Honesty,
And Empathy.
No more FAKING.
Let’s actually LET ourselves BE the Person we’ve always WANTED to be.
Every DREAM?
It’s YOURS for the TAKING.
The sky REALLY is the Limit!
And the ONLY Limitations we put on ourselves?
THAT my Friend,
Is fear.
FEAR.
F.E.A.R.
There is NO TRUTH in that.
None.
Leave it behind,
Marching FORWARD,
Into a NEW Life.
And a new YOU.
Shelly's Recovery 