While I was in treatment and when I left, being on a meal plan was a huge thing.

I followed my meal plan for probably two or three weeks before I stopped, and started doing “Intuitive” eating.

I started incorporating a lot of foods that were very fearful for me, but I also felt very liberated to kind of eat whatever and whenever I wanted.

I ate Donuts, Cake, Pancakes, French Fries, Etc.

Eating became a social experience, rather than the latter..

And I blossomed.

I felt better, and I looked better!

I gave myself permission to enjoy food again.

It is now been a year since I left treatment, and this is where I feel like creating AND following a Meal Plan DOES come into a huge play.

STAYING in Recovery, and NOT backsliding into old Eating Disorder behaviors is important to me.

Extremely important!

I feel like I can actually execute AND achieve eating 3 solid Meals, and 3 Snacks.

In Treatment, I literally laughed hysterically, and maybe a little angrily, in Group one day when the Staff recommended and also EXPECTED us to eat that much.

My stomach could BARELY handle re-feeding AT Inpatient.

Residential was BETTER, but when I left, I STILL didn’t feel the need to eat that much food in 1 day!?!

NOW, as I am completely weight restored, I feel the importance of eating on a regular basis, as to not relapse.

To make SURE I’m getting a GOOD quality of Nutrients.

After a while, the party ends, of eating all the fun foods that I missed out on when my Eating Disorder disorder was prominent.

I certainly do not want to set myself up for becoming a binge eater, because I could definitely easily swing that way!

I’ve always told my friends laughingly, that there IS a delicious fat woman inside of me, just BEGGING to be let out!

Would it really be that big of a deal if I unleashed her?

Probably NOT.

My Health may suffer a bit, but there are far more important things to worry about, right?

Besides, MY Recovery is more important!

I recently went to California to visit a Friend.

One of the many things we did, was visit a Shaman.

What IS a Shaman?

I am IN the midst of Recovery from Anorexia and Bulimia.

I’ve had Bulimia for over 30+ years.

I’ve always dabbled in Anorexia, BUT a year ago, it seized me….

In 2 months, I lost almost 60 lbs.

I could of stopped at 20, but I wanted to be THINNER.

I didn’t enjoy eating anymore….

So, I lived off Applesauce and Baby Food packets.

But I WASN’T truly living.

I HATED eating in front of other’s.

I tried to skip meals with my Husband, by keeping myself booked with work.

I’d go out with Friends, and ONLY allow myself to enjoy a Large Coffee.

I did NOT enjoy the feeling of food IN my stomach.

Or my Bowels.

After getting EXTREMELY Constipated, which sucked,

I started getting addicted to the FEELING of emptiness.

I began drinking Magesium Citrate on a DAILY basis.

To get rid of the “food” I was eating….

Blech.

It felt empowering.

And CLEAN.

After a few months,

I landed in the Hospital,

On an Eating Disorder Floor.

NOT fun,

“Relearning” to eat solid food again.

My Blood Pressure was TOO low, due to the lack of nutrients.

I was FREEZING 24/7.

Fast forward a year….

I’m doing PRETTY well!

I am completely weight restored.

I enjoy eating food; maybe a little TOO much.

I actually FEEL the NEED to EAT.

If I DON’T,

I get physically sick.

Headaches,

The shakes.

Complete exhaustion.

I don’t know HOW I survived last year!?

I AM struggling a bit,

Accepting this “new” Body;

Although, it’s NOT that NEW!?

Leading up to my Relapse,

I’ve ALWAYS been a bit on the stought side.

I have a Belly.

That jiggles when I brush my teeth,

And gets in the way of feeling comfortable with myself.

WHY is that!?

When I was younger,

I used to fantasize about taking a pair of scissors and cutting my Fat Rolls off.

WTF!?

Sad, but TRUE.

I KNOW that everyone,

For the most part,

Has them, right!?

I just NEED to get used to them.

I AM willing to taste,

And enjoy FOOD.

So, it THAT is the by-product of HAPPINESS,

Then sign me UP.

I LOVE trying new Restaurants.

Baked Goods….

Cupcakes?

My secret Love Language!

Pizza,

Chocolate,

Noodles,

ALLLLLLL the delicious FOOD,

That I used to avoid like the plague.

Now,

MOST food is eaten with Family.

Friends.

Myself.

And I’m NOT ashamed.

Eating is NORMAL.

It allows us to LIVE.

And be SOCIAL.

Sharing Memories over a tasty MEAL,

Or a Ooooey-Gooooey Brownie,

Dripping in a rich Caramel Sauce,

Followed by a rich cup of Coffee?

Laughing,

Maybe even crying.

But most of the time,

EATING is a SOCIAL event,

MEANT TO ENJOY.

NOT turn away,

Isolate,

Shrivel up….

And DIE!

Not ONLY on the INSIDE,

But on the OUTSIDE as well….

Captivated with Purging,

Clinging to Starvation.

I honestly want NO part in that!

I LOVE my ability to be ABLE to now SHARE in those moments,

Even when I’m by MYSELF,

I’ll remind my BRAIN,

That it’s OK to nourish my Body AND Soul!

My HEART is fuller…

And so is my BELLY, I suppose!?

DONE.

The Mental ANGUISH I was suffering from,

Took it’s toll.

I DON’T want to EVER be stuck in that HELL of a time-warp again!

And so?

I am PUSHING myself to be IN “active” Recovery.

TRUE Recovery!

Accepting my Body just the way it IS….

Perfect.

Divine.

Deliciously Soft.

And adored by my Husband!

But MOST of all,

I am teaching myself that I am created in God’s image.

And HE thinks I’m PERFECT just the way I AM.

Besides,

It’S NOT about my outward appearance that TRULY matters.

At least to HIM.

And quite frankly,

HE is the only one who cares about me SO deeply,

That the clothes I wear,

And the food I eat….

There is absolutely no NEED to worry about it.

And so?

I won’t.

💗

I went to Church this morning.

Part of me WANTED to go,

And part of me DIDN’T.

Why?

TWO reasons:

First, I felt the Lord putting it ON my heart to GO.

I kept trying to make excuses NOT to go, but He wasn’t having it.

So I walked into a Church that I’ve only gone to a few times.

As much as I liked it,

I felt a tad bit uncomfortable…..

It doesn’t FEEL like “mine”.

The Church I grew UP in, has always felt like Home to me.

Even when I go to other Churches,

It NEVER feels the same.

Secondly, I am still reeling from the loss of what I believe is true,

Was the act of being pushed out from the one place I always thought I’d be welcome at.

I WANT to find a Church that I feel like that I belong.

Again, like my “Home” Church.

Is it because the people DON’T feel like Family?

Part of me WANTS to be able to “start over” fresh,

Where people DON’T know me.

But it also feels extremely lonely.

At the same time,

Just going to Church and NOT getting emotionally involved sounds like the right path TO go.

Why?

Because for the past 3 or 4 YEARS,

I literally poured EVERY part of my being into Serving at my “Home” Church.

And it left me reeling with insecurity,

Along with a stinging bite of reality….

That People can HURT you when they KNOW you.

I let my guard down.

Letting other’s into my life.

Into my Heart.

Only to leave it broken.

And questioning my OWN Faith,

Because I didn’t necessarily AGREE with some of their ideas, thoughts, OR actions.

I took a stance,

And it left me blind sided.

I felt judged.

Betrayed.

Broken.

The exact OPPOSITE of what a Church SHOULD leave one feeling.

So, yes, I am a bit hesitant to open myself to the same scrutiny.

I can only blame myself,

As this was the EXACT reason I left my Church in the first place,

Almost 20 YEARS ago.

WHY did I think it would be ANY different,

THIS time!?

Because the Pastor’s had changed?

That I’D changed?

I’m still not totally sure…

I feel like I was being “tested”.

Not by Man,

But by God.

Did I pass,

Or did I fail?

I’m STILL trying to figure out the “WHY”.

Which, I’m not entirely sure that I’m SUPPOSED to question.

But I DO.

That’s the hard part-

NOT getting an answer,

And just trusting.

I’ll be the FIRST to tell you that I don’t have a lot of Patience.

I want to know the “why”,

NOW!

Perhaps THIS is WHY my Heart STILL hurts,

My judgement jaded.

I am leery of people AND places.

I DON’T want to FEEL like my heart has hardened.

And my perception twisted.

Confusion is NOT a good place for one’s mind to contemplate.

Because it is NOT from God….

This much IS true.

So, THIS morning, I sat in the Lobby, and NOT in the sanctuary.

Watching the Sermon being live streamed on a TV…

I wasn’t alone…

3 other’s joined me.

They LEFT when it was time to take Communion.

I stayed….

Partook.

And I DID step inside to be with the rest of the Congregation.

It felt a bit foreign,

I won’t lie.

As much as I’d LIKE to be an Outsider,

My HEART just won’t allow it!?!

Even when my MIND feels like it’s on opposing Teams.

I feel torn.

On what I want,

And what JESUS wants!?!

Which was exactly what today’s Sermon was all about…

That when we live for God,

We aren’t living for ourselves.

And getting OUR way,

ISN’T what’s important.

OR viable.

I believe THIS is why the Lord prompted me to go to Church this morning.

So, thank you, Jesus-

For the reminder that it’s NOT about the people,

It’s about YOU! 💗

THIS.

You HAVE to love the Person you were BEFORE, DURING, and AFTER.

If you DON’T, you’re in BIG trouble!

I’m finding that ALL I EVER needed, was to LOVE myself from start to finish.

Having been in Recovery for YEARS, and then having experienced a horrible Relapse last Summer,

Has made THIS year, bountiful.

It has made me appreciate the people who were there for me,

AND,

The people who walked away.

There IS a Season for Change, and Personal Growth.

With OR without, others.

All that truly matters,

Is that I didnt give up on MYSELF.

That I did the best I could do, with what and WHO I had, IN the moment!

People, including MYSELF,

Have shown me their true colors.

It has shown me who I CAN trust, and those I couldn’t.

But when it comes down to it, I’m finding that the ONLY person that I CAN trust, is MYSELF.

To make the best choices for ME, and my OWN self-worth.

You CAN’T fight a battle without others, especially without being an active participant in your OWN struggles.

I’ve stood alone,

On many days where it was TOO hard to admit defeat.

I didn’t ask for help,

And I certainly held others at a safe distance.

Why?

Pride, perhaps, but MAINLY because I KNEW that the ONLY person who could save me, was myself.

I had to have the initiative to WANT to fight, even if I didn’t feel like it.

And trust me, there were definitely days that I DIDN’T.

But, I held fast to Recovery, and guess what?

Over time, everything got a bit easier.

And easier.

To the point, where it was the LAST thing on my mind.

Eating,

SURVIVING,

Started happening on it’s OWN.

Who knew!?

It’s been a year,

A YEAR,

Since I left Treatment-

And I couldn’t be better!?!

The color has returned to my cheeks,

The brightness has returned to my eyes,

And my smile IS genuine.

Are there days that I feel sad when my Jean’s feel a bit tight?

And feel that I probably ate TOO much on some days?

Absolutely.

Do I wish sometimes that I was smaller and took up less room?

That people showed me a little more attention similar to when I was sick?

Yes.

However,

I FEEL good.

I SOUND good.

And I AM good.

I don’t think it’s for everyone, but NOT being in Therapy, and being reminded EVERY day that there is something “wrong” with me, has been SO freeing!

NO one’s life is perfect.

And NO one has a life that doesn’t produce hiccups along the way.

Maybe, just maybe,

It’s HOW we react to those hurdles that can or can’t, produce a massive waterfall or avalanche of emotions,

That PUTS us in harm’s way.

Our minds are a very powerful thing.

Something someone told me a long time ago?

“Fake it till you make it”….

I think that brings true in EVERY aspect of our lives!

Do you have to CHOOSE it?

Yes.

WANTING to get better,

IS something that you have to PROVE to yourself.

Over, and over, and over again.

This past year has taught me that I AM stronger than I ever thought possible.

That I’m NOT broken beyond repair.

No matter WHAT anyone says!

I AM quite capable of standing on my OWN 2 feet,

And clearing my mind of the word CAN’T.

I CAN DO ANYTHING THAT I SET MY MIND TO!

And so can YOU!

Whether it be eating,

Or choosing to walk away from people, places, OR things,

That do NOT serve you anymore.

Will it hurt?

Has it hurt?

Most definitely!

I’d be lying if I told you that it hasn’t.

BUT,

The other side has proven to be quite liberating!

We ALL want people to like us.

And sometimes by speaking the TRUTH about things,

It CAN, and WILL hurt.

But WHEN do you decide to break your silence,

Just to make OTHERS happy?

Or to save face?

Or to NOT talk poorly about someone else?

It’s taken me MONTHS to decide that MY own happiness is more important than YOURS.

ESPECIALLY when YOU want ME to keep quiet, as to NOT upset your little circle of lies.

Yes, NOT telling the entire TRUTH,

As to NOT let other people KNOW what’s REALLY going on,

IS lying.

Yes, LYING!

You are MORE worried about what OTHERS will think about you,

Than being HONEST.

I’m not quite sure WHY you think it’s appropriate,

But,

I will NOT keep “quiet” just so that YOU can feel better about yourself.

Have you ever heard of the phrase,

“A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing”?

THAT is YOU.

The DEFINITION?

“A person or thing that appears friendly or harmless but is really hostile“.

The MEANING?

“A dangerous person who is pretending to be harmless; an enemy who is disguised as a friend. This idiom is a warning that you cannot necessarily trust someone simply because they appear to be kind and friendly”.

You, my friend, are EXACTLY what this portrays.

You gain the trust of those around you,

ONLY to use it against them.

You can deny it all you WANT,

But as someone who has worked very closely with you for quite a number of years,

THIS is exactly WHAT you are.

And it is EXACTLY what you’ve DONE.

“Emotionally, spiritually, physically; emotional manipulation is a primary tool of the wolf. They like to play on heightened emotions to engage you in behaviors that benefit them. They gather people that will serve their need to be in control, whether this is through a romantic relationship, a close friendship or a strategic partnership“.

Wolves use and abuse people to accomplish their own agenda

“Although wolves come off as if they love everyone around them, they are only using these people to gain influence and power. As soon as they have what they want from these naïve people they eat them, spit them out, and move on to the next person who can deliver them the platform they desire”.

You haven’t just done this to ME,

But to OTHERS.

In fact,

ANYONE who has questioned YOUR “authority” has been chewed UP, and spit OUT.

I honestly believe that silence is something that only COWARDS believe in.

I am NOT a Coward when it comes to being treated unfairly OR unjustly.

And let ME tell YOU,

I will NOT remain silent to make things “easy” for you.

THAT is something that I REFUSE to do.

When I KNOW, in my heart of hearts,

That something is not quite right?

I will tell everyone and anyone that will listen.

You do not scare me,

NOR intimidate me,

ANY. MORE.

Oh, I USED to BE,

Until YOUR lies reached MY ears,

From the VERY mouths,

AND hearts,

That are being fooled by you.

You are NOT as innocent as you portray.

And THAT is what is scary.

REALLY scary.

Because the wool is being pulled over their eyes.

Just like it was for ME….

UNTIL I got to see the “REAL” you.

Actually, quite a few of us have seen the true YOU,

And were quickly silenced and banished from your life.

The best EXCUSE I’ve heard directly FROM your mouth?

Yes, an EXCUSE!

That the Lord is “pruning” it’s branches….

Oh, He IS pruning, all right!

Pruning branches that CAN’T bear Fruit because if its toxic roots.

The irony IS,

That it’s because we KNOW the TRUTH.

And let me tell you,

The TRUTH?

It WILL set us free-

From your dangerous grasp.

“When the Spirit of TRUTH comes,

HE will guide you into all of the truth!”

JOHN 16:13

SOME of us ARE able to see, feel, AND hear, what the Holy Spirit says to us.

We may NOT act on it right away,

BUT, it doesn’t mean we DON’T hear it!

When we KNOW the “real”,

And we KNOW what IS false?

We become VERY trained in detecting the FAKE.

And that,

Is WHAT you are.

FAKE.

The BEST part of ALL of this,

Which quite honestly makes me literally LAUGH out loud?

YOU telling people that I’M the one who is Mentally “unstable”.

That I’M the one who can’t differentiate illusion with reality.

Is that REALLY the card you want to play??

Perhaps,

YOU ought to get YOUR head examined.

And MAYBE?

Check YOUR own Heart.

People will only be blinded by your actions for so long,

Before the TRUTH leaks out.

Just remember that,

As you continue to spew lies to those who are being fooled by your false teachings.

Yes, FALSE teachings.

You know the Bible better than most of us,

I WILL give you that.

But it DEFINITELY doesn’t mean that your heart is pure,

OR,

That your hands are clean.

Because,

We ALL know what happens when you cast stones at “glass” houses.

The “windows” shatter,

But the foundation STILL stands.

*Because I’m NOT a total JERK,

I won’t reveal your name OR where you work….

You’re welcome!

I am EXTREMELY frustrated with how those of us with a major medical issue, and needing help with pain, are treated!

BECAUSE of the recent Opiate issue, those of us who REALLY need the help, are denied.

We’re told to go to the ER, which ISN’T helpful, because they WON’T even help treat us.

Especially IF we are under a Dr.’s care!?!

No one wants to contribute, much less be accused, of condoning it.

Even IF the Patient NEEDS it!?!

Nope, DENIED!

“Go to Pain Management”, is the reply.

Pain Management won’t treat you IF you’re NOT being treated there.

And IF you are under a Specialist’s care, they DEFINITELY will NOT treat you!?!

NOT all of us are seeking pain meds to get HIGH, people!?

I have 2 Ruptured Disc’s in my lower back.

One of the Disc’s actually has Membrane squishing OUTSIDE of the Vertabrae, pushing into Nerves.

This is EXTREMELY painful, if you’ve never experienced it.

And when you have no one willing to HELP?

Well, quite honestly, I can see WHY people buy their Drugs off the street without a legal Prescription.

OR do something more drastic to END their pain!

Being turned AWAY from a Facility that is SUPPOSED to help you, is quite unnerving, and in MY opinion, is unacceptable!

Doctor’s take an OATH, to serve, so when does that NOT apply!?

I’m very confused.

Frustrated,

AND extremely Angry!

I do not have a very high pain threshold when it comes to SEVERE pain.

And THIS is one of those times!

So, what do I do?

I have to basically “suck it up”, because everyone wants to wash their hands of the situation.

That’s not fair to ME!?!

Or to ANYONE else for that matter.

This seriously needs to stop!

SOMETHING needs to change.

And it starts with our MEDICAL Staff!

I’m PRETTY sure you CAN spot the difference between an Addict, and somone who TRULY needs the help.

Stop being so concerned with your own liability,

And HELP those of us who are IN acute PAIN!

That’s a novel concept!?

One MOST Dr.’s won’t concern themselves with.

It certainly doesn’t comfort those of us who are in SEVERE pain!

Enough already!

Hi,

My name is Shelly…..

And I’m *(TRYING) to overcome poor Body Image.

AND a life-long Eating Disorder….

I can’t remember WHEN it started,

Or WHY.

Was it because all the other girls were stick-thin as I was growing up?

And I WASN’T?

Was it our Society’s cruel idealism of what a Woman should look like?

Was it because my Mom would squeal “Ewwww”, as I’d proudly flex and show off my genetically gifted muscular calves?

Was it because she ALWAYS bragged about NEVER weighing over 100 lbs…. ALL through High School, College, and her Wedding Day?

No lie, that WAS a Magical number for me, when my Eating Disorder came alive…

Taunting and tormenting me, the sicker I became.

It was a number I’ve NEVER been able to reach.

I’ve come CLOSE,

But have never succeeded….

Even at my WORST.

As I sit pondering WHAT actually CAUSED my Eating Disorder,

I just want to say that I’ve NEVER blamed my Mom.

Did she contribute to it?

Um, yes.

Maybe not directly, BUT, little eyes AND ears, DID see and hear, as I grew up.

Did I think it was strange that she’d cook us kid’s a FULL Breakfast before School, and then only eat a single Poached Egg with her Coffee?

YES.

Did I think it was odd that she’d only eat Salad’s when we’d go out to eat at Restaurant’s, while WE’D all be eating Burger’s, Pizza, or Pasta?

ABSOLUTELY.

She STILL eats like a teeny-tiny Bird at times….

Announcing proudly that all her Snacks are 100 Calories.

Or less.

I remember getting SUPER pissy when I was younger, literally BEGGING her to send me to “Fat-Camp” for the Summer, and crying because she would NEVER let me go.

But, we WOULD have little weight-loss competition’s before Summer arrived, with the promise of a fun NEW Swim-Suit, IF I won.

I never DID….

I learned that LESS Food WAS indeed better, and so I began to hide food.

Eating less and less as often as I could get away with it.

My Mom had Eagle-eyes, I swear!?

She’d MAKE me eat before leaving the house, and if I DIDN’T, I wouldn’t get to go to School.

No lie.

And NOT just a bowl of Cereal, either!

We’re talking Eggs, Bacon or Sausage, AND Oatmeal, a Donut, OR cold Cereal…WITH Milk or Juice.

Every fricking morning!?!

I LOVED School for the most part, so NOT getting to go, actually WAS a true form of punishment….

That’s about the time I started making myself throw-up as soon as I’d get to School and had the privacy to do so.

For Lunch in the Cafeteria, I’d always get a Salad….

Even IF I had a 2-3 hour workout after School, for Cross-Country, Gymnastics, or Track.

I didn’t care.

MAINLY because I KNEW I’d be forced to eat Dinner together, AGAIN, as a Family.

We didn’t HAVE a Dog, so I got REALLY good at hiding food in my Napkin, Jean Pockets, or anything ELSE that I could get away with….

I don’t think my Parents EVER even noticed, but they as sure as shit DID, when I got SUPER sick towards the end of my School year, and I had to go to the Hospital.

IN an Ambulance, AND with a WEEK-LONG Hospital stay…

I had Mono, Strep, Dehydration, a SUPER high Fever, and EXTREMELY low Potassium levels.

ALL I was worried about, was whether or not they could tell from my Throat, that I’d been Purging- ALOT.

I was REALLY sick….

SO sick that my Dad thought I’d had a Seizure, so not ONLY did I get a Spinal Tap, I couldn’t drive OR do any Sports when I FINALLY was able to go Home!?

There went my opportunity to lose weight by compulsively Exercising.

I think that’s when I started to dabble in Anorexia.

What I honestly can’t remember, is if it started because of outside pressures, OR if it was because I was also being Sexually Abused around that time….

Most likely BOTH.

I am what Dr.’s call a classic text-book case of someone WITH an Eating Disorder.

I’m a Perfectionist, an Over-Achiever, etc., AND a survivor of Physical, Mental, and Sexual, Abuse.

Blech.

I’ve never really dealt with any of it, and DO think my poor Body-Image stems from that….

I am always disgusted with what I see, even when I’m at my thinnest.

I’ve been anywhere between 120 pounds, to 190.

Yes, REALLY.

Right now, I’m sitting between the two….

I’m comfortable with where I’m at, both physically AND mentally, BUT I am STILL struggling with HOW I actually LOOK.

Especially when I’m naked.

I do NOT own a full-length Mirror anymore, thankfully!

OR a Scale.

I know that BOTH are positive steps toward Recovery….

But I’M the one who sees my fat-roll’s when I sit down.

I’M the one who scrutinizes every inch of my Body when I’m in the tub…

WHY do you think I use a SHIT-TON of Bubbles in my Baths!?!

Yep, THAT way I don’t have to actually LOOK at my body, except for my knees and my toes.

When I was in Treatment last year, one of the things they wanted me to do, was sit in my room, in front of a mirror.

Starting out fully clothed….

And then slowly over time, start removing more and more articles of clothing.

I refused.

Sorry, NOT sorry!

Just PASSING by a Mirror sent me, and STILL sends me, into a hissy-fit….

Just ask my Husband!

So….

Just HOW do I fix this problem!?!?

I honestly don’t know, except to NOT own ANY Mirrors.

Lame, I know….

Got any ideas????

Send ’em to meeeee!

I honestly DON’T know if I’ll EVER see my Body as precious as I SHOULD.

I MAY have, before it was violated and discarded like it was nothing….

Before it was seen as a THING.

And BEFORE it was just A thing.

A thing to use and abuse.

If that was all I WAS, it honestly became something that wasn’t special or WORTHY of attention.

So I tried, and am STILL trying to shrink.

To be small.

As tiny as I can be…

You take up less space that way.

Inconspicuous…..

A Wallflower, so to speak.

I SHOULDN’T, but I do!?!

Siiiiigh.

This is TOUGH!

AND rough….

I am torn.

Divided….

Into 2 people.

One that WANTS to be Recovered.

AND one that NEEDS to be in control…

That INCLUDES the way I LOOK,

Deciding WHAT and how MUCH I will ALLOW into my Body.

I still CAN’T choose!?!

And THAT, is what I personally find extremely difficult.

It’s an all out Battle….

A War, really, within my own Mind.

Of EVERY moment,

And EVERY day.

AMEN!

Sometimes it takes LOSING something you held dear,

To appreciate something NEW.

Toxic environments are a REAL thing.

If you’d asked me a year ago,

I would of said NO way,

That can’t happen!

But TODAY?

I’m understanding that when you remove yourself from toxicity,

Your life actually blossoms!?

A weight of shame lifts,

Your confidence soars,

And you aren’t triggered from your past Traumatic experiences.

I’m also realizing that places AND people,

CAN actually cause you to backslide into Eating Disorder behaviors,

Depression,

Addiction,

Guilt,

Shame,

And,

Insecurities.

Yep, it’s TRUE.

Why?

Because I lived it,

And AM living it!

For the past few years,

I THOUGHT I was in the right place.

Surrounding myself with people who I THOUGHT had my best interest in mind.

It wasn’t until God whispered even LOUDER,

That I understood WHAT He was trying to tell me!?

You see,

He kept putting a phrase in my ear,

AND on my heart,

And I chose to ignore it!?!

He was TRYING to warn me,

But I thought I knew best.

Man, I am SO stubborn at times!

I was so enamored,

And lost in my own search for acceptance,

That I COULDN’T see what was right in front of me.

The wool was pulled over my eyes,

And then removed,

After what I thought was a tragic event.

I can see NOW,

That it WASN’T!

You know that saying,

“Everything happens for a reason?”

It’s TRUE.

Especially when GOD is the Mastermind!

Sometimes,

It doesn’t make sense,

And it’s painful.

But,

When you’re able to look back and be grateful?

That’s when you KNOW you’ve made the right decision,

And can actually comprehend WHAT God has been protecting you FROM….

THAT’S when your life can TRULY begin! 💗

THIS.

I am grateful for people, places, and things…..

That AREN’T for me!

What?

After chatting with a Friend yesterday,

She listened to ALL of the crap I’ve been struggling with,

And said to me-

“Aren’t you GLAD that those things HAPPENED?”

“Aren’t you HAPPY that people have TREATED you in certain ways?”

I chuckled.

No, not really!

But,

Okayyyy,

That’s ONE way of thinking about it!?

And I’ve decided…..

She IS right!

Now hear me out,

Because I had to REALLY ponder this!

Yes,

My heart hurts.

Yes,

I’m angry.

And, yes,

I feel betrayed.

BUT,

Above all else,

I AM grateful!

For you see,

Those things?

Places??

And people?

They are NOT meant for me.

And I HAVE to see the gratefulness IN that!

Because someone,

(God),

HE knows!

WHAT,

And,

WHO…..

Is BEST for ME!

He is like a Parent,

A FATHER,

Really!

And He is going to protect me,

From certain things that aren’t meant to be.

Will it hurt?

Make me cry for hours on end?

Contemplate Trust?

Absolutely!

And,

Guess what?

I AM grateful for that!

It’s been hard to actually SEE that,

But,

When I look BACK?

ALL the signs were there….

I just chose to ignore them,

Because,

I THOUGHT that I knew best.

Jesus DOES have a sense of Humor!

Is it AT my expense?

NOPE!

His voice has been whispering IN my ear,

All along!?!

Thank GOD,

Literally,

That He is VERY patient!

Some of us take LONGER…..

To actually LISTEN,

And TRUST,

His voice,

AND,

The things He puts ON our Heart’s…..

I am one of them!

No one EVER said I was the sharpest Pencil in the drawer,

LOL!

And hey,

Sometimes?

Those DULL Pencil’s DO work better!

Really?

REALLY!

Sure,

We get looked over sometimes…

BUT,

It DOESN’T mean that we AREN’T capable.

We just write BOLDER.

DARKER.

LOUDER.

We STAND out!

AND,

We PROBABLY make the good Lord,

LAUGH……

Just a wee bit MORE.

I’ll take that!

He LOVES me,

US,

Just the same.

I DO believe,

That WHEN we ARE grateful,

And can SEE the GOOD,

In EVERY little thing that He has planned for us,

It changes our Life!

So,

YES,

I am very GRATEFUL!

For the Hurt,

Loneliness,

Betrayals,

AND,

For EVERY closed door!

Because if I WASN’T?

I’d NEVER be ABLE,

To SEE,

Or EXPERIENCE,

The AMAZING things,

Jesus has IN store for me!

And,

For YOU!

What are YOU grateful for?

Ponder that today…..

Start a List!

Pray!

And be HUMBLE enough to acknowledge,

That certain things ARE meant to protect you.

It may NOT make sense IN the moment,

And it may HURT horribly!

But,

Some of the GREATEST things in life?

They appear when we least expect it!

You know that saying-

“You have to appreciate the Rain,

To experience the Rainbow’s”!?!

It typically happens,

AFTER the Storm!

Take inventory of the things you ARE grateful for.

DON’T dwell on the people,

OR,

Things,

That are CLEARLY not for you!

Because BETTER things,

ARE on the Horizon!

We just have to keep my eyes open….